A State of Mind

All is not as bad as it sounds, I haven’t really been doing nothing. I forget that sometimes, I forget how much I have written. I forget how much I have grown, because of my state of mind. By that I mean all I see is the negative, because all my mind thinks about is feeling bad for myself. I am fully aware of this and I have grown with that, at first I thought all I needed to do was to accept it. I thought my life would magically fix itself, because I have accepted the facts of life. That we all experience hardship, lose of loved ones, we all experience fear, sadness, anger, the full spectrum color wheel of emotions. I accepted it and realized that I wasn’t all that different, but that was only half of what I needed to learn. 

It took me a while to realize what I was missing and to be honest, I feel kinda of dumb for not seeing it sooner. Action, I have to be my own motivation, I have to be the one that holds myself accountable. I used to walk through life hoping that someone would just take care of all this shit for me. By shit i mean life and all the shitty things that we have to do as adults. It used to anger me to have to do my taxes, I would through a tantrum. I was still a child in my minds eye, I didn’t see my self as an adult, thats the truth. I think part of that is just in my nature, I’m a lot like my father, we are both a couple of big kids. The real reason why I still see myself that way is because I have had a good life. 

Don’t get me wrong we ain’t rollin in the cheddar, but we live comfortably. I know that I have a good life because of where I am from. I have seen both sides of the spectrum while going to school. In middle school I went to Salano Middle school, in north vallejo I seen the kids that didn’t have shit. That came to school in clothes way to small, they would look and smell like they have not taken a shower in weeks. In high school, I went to Benicia High School where 90% of students (I made up that statistic based off my observation, may not but accurate but I’m sure it wasn’t far off) had a car to drive when they got there license. My sophomore year because I lived in vallejo I had to go to a couple of the schools for a short period of time. I went to Jesse Bethel high school, and Vallejo High School, where fights and talking shit were a everyday of life. Everyday that I attended a school in vallejo, we had at LEAST one fight a day, I know this because I would run to them with my friends to watch, just like almost everyone else. Only to be broken up by the police officer stationed on campus moments later, we would scatter like flipping the lights on cockroaches. 

To be honest I really didn’t think much about while I was going to school, I was at that time embracing life with both arms wide open. I did me everyday and didn’t really trip off much and I was happy. I didn’t realize that BHS didn’t have fights, by comparison.  They did have fights but they really didn’t happen all that often. What all of it showed me was what I had, it showed me that I was fortunate that my parents could provide the life that they did for me. It made me feel like shit, if i was so fortunate then why have I not done anything with my life. Im not sure if this is just all an elaborate case of self sabotages. Thinking about it now thats all it was, I was running from the action needed to be taken to live the life that I want so that I could live the life that I was familiar with.

All the actions or lack there of speak volumes about how I want nothing more then to be a child. Still living with his parents and desperately single, i was worried about writing this because it makes me feel like a lost cause, weak. What i realized that was taking theses ideas that I have played with in my mind became real, when I put them on “paper”.  I found that it took a great deal of strength to be this honest with myself. Part of the reason why I have not been advertising that i am posting on my blog again, is because this is for me. Before it was created to help and aid other, it failed because I had to save myself from my state of mind. I really don’t have the words to help or teach anyone right now. Not because I am not in the right state of mind, but because I am and I am focused on what matters most. 

The thing that matters most to me is to be happy, thats the one that I am striving for each and every day. Sometimes you have to fight for your happiness, sometimes it comes with easy, but either way I have to take action. I know the things that I need to do, I know how to get the realm of the light. I am not afraid of being afraid any longer, I find to take action despite my fears of being judged. I stopped judging myself (well I still have those initial thoughts, but i don’t let them rule me) and I started giving a shit about myself. I stopped worrying about others and what they want for me, no matter their intention. Instead I focused on what i wanted my life to look like. I took a look at everything from the way that I move about in this world and how I talk to others. I studied life and began to look at making my dreams a reality. I started some time ago working on becoming the best version of myself that I could become. Now I haven’t gotten there yet, but i see more and more of him in the mirror each day. So no matter how bad that it has been for me or others someone always had it worst. Some people use the fact that they had a tough life as motivation, instead of a road block. It acts as kindling giving life to fire that burns with in. Thats where I am at now I am focusing on building a fire that will only finds its end when I die. So heres to living for forever. 

My return letter

Shit…. It has been a while. I have been away from from the world for a while now. Most would think that I mean from social media and the likes. The truth is that I have been, no where, I have been in my room this whole time. I only leave when mother nature calls and to have a smoke with miss Jane and to go to work. I have been depressed, I am not even sure for how long now. The last time that I can really remember being happy was when I was still working at Best Buy. To be exact it was the first couple of years that I worked there, fresh out of high school and not a care in the world. That didn’t last long and thinking about it now, I see what it was, that thing that turned my summer days to rain. 

Not long after high school and shortly after this happy time in my life that I was talking about. I lost my Grandma and my Grandpa and I didn’t know how to process this. I didn’t want to process this, I didn’t even want to go see them while they were sick. Because i didn’t want it to be real, I just wanted to run away, but I could not think of a place where the pain would not find me. The fact that i felt this way made me feel even worst and the fact that i didn’t go see them as much as I should have. All that tore me up inside and made the pain unbearable. As time passed it all became more and more bearable, the thought of them no longer had me in a puddle of tears. The pain was still there, I just got better at ignoring it, running away from it and hiding it from others. 

Only a few could tell and to be honest, my best friend was the only that noticed, at first. He would do his best but soon both of us were distracted from the world. We decide to go to Disneyland and when I say we I mean my best friend and his girlfriend. I was perfectly ok with going as the third wheel. To be honest I have been their third wheel a few times before this, but the three of us were friends before the two of them were together. To me it was more of, I am going to with two of my friends. Rather then I am going with my friend and his girlfriend, it was a blast. It was able to take my mind off the world and all of the problems that “real life” presents you. We would wake up early (totally not something any of us would normally do) get our continental breakfast and head out to the park. Arriving there before opening, we would take our time planing out the day. Starting off with space mountain and going from there (side note my record for number of rides on space mountain in a single day:15) and we wouldn’t stop till they kicked us out. After that we came back to the bay, we came home and back to the real world. 

A few weeks after we got back to the real world, my best friends girlfriend, Cara was diagnosed with AL leukemia. Man was that heavy news and when I went to visit her she still had this wonderful light about her, but you could see she was sick. During this time I had started to notice that I was not happy and I started to make some changes. One of the things that that came of this was Javi’s Secret Project. I didn’t realize though, but I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. See I thought I was doing it because I wanted to help people with my story, that was not the case. Instead, I did it so that I could run away from life. I wanted to loose weight for the secret project, so that i could build an audience. So that one day i could have an audience that would want to see my films. Thats what I told myself, but soon it became about running away from life again. We lost Cara and my world was flipped upside down again I couldn’t believe all this was happening again. I used to beat myself up because all I could think about was the pain that I was feeling. I wasn’t thinking about what my best friend was going through. 

As before, the more time would pass the better I would feel, except that it all never really went away. I was still sad, I had just lied to myself for so long that it I started to believe the lie. Eventually I had just stopped trying at life, I would just go from one moment to the next. I had done this dance for so long that I forgot who I was, I forgot how passionate I was, I forgot how much I loved life. This whole time I had been working on understanding that, figuring it all out and getting fatter. All that weight I had lost I just gained it all back, every bit of it and I have to start over again. 

to be honest I have only recently became aware of all this, it was after I got fired from my last job. It made me take a step back and take a deeper look at myself and why was it I wasn’t doing what I know to do. I know how to lose the weight I know how to eat right I know how to work out. I just didn’t know why I couldn’t, part of me thought it was because I wasn’t over the lose of those people. Which that wasn't the case, enough time has passed and I faced those things. I started to beat myself down again because I could not figure out why, my life has not turned out the way that i wanted it to. It was because I was just sitting at this computer watching netfliix till I could not keep my eyes open any longer then back to bed. I have mole skins full off half way finished ideas, half written stories and ideas. 

The time for dreaming is over, now it the time fro action. That’s what I have been doing these past few months, I have been taking action and have been rediscovering who I was, I am ready to take my life to the next chapter. I have lived long enough in the darkness and I look to find my way back to the light.