A State of Mind

All is not as bad as it sounds, I haven’t really been doing nothing. I forget that sometimes, I forget how much I have written. I forget how much I have grown, because of my state of mind. By that I mean all I see is the negative, because all my mind thinks about is feeling bad for myself. I am fully aware of this and I have grown with that, at first I thought all I needed to do was to accept it. I thought my life would magically fix itself, because I have accepted the facts of life. That we all experience hardship, lose of loved ones, we all experience fear, sadness, anger, the full spectrum color wheel of emotions. I accepted it and realized that I wasn’t all that different, but that was only half of what I needed to learn. 

It took me a while to realize what I was missing and to be honest, I feel kinda of dumb for not seeing it sooner. Action, I have to be my own motivation, I have to be the one that holds myself accountable. I used to walk through life hoping that someone would just take care of all this shit for me. By shit i mean life and all the shitty things that we have to do as adults. It used to anger me to have to do my taxes, I would through a tantrum. I was still a child in my minds eye, I didn’t see my self as an adult, thats the truth. I think part of that is just in my nature, I’m a lot like my father, we are both a couple of big kids. The real reason why I still see myself that way is because I have had a good life. 

Don’t get me wrong we ain’t rollin in the cheddar, but we live comfortably. I know that I have a good life because of where I am from. I have seen both sides of the spectrum while going to school. In middle school I went to Salano Middle school, in north vallejo I seen the kids that didn’t have shit. That came to school in clothes way to small, they would look and smell like they have not taken a shower in weeks. In high school, I went to Benicia High School where 90% of students (I made up that statistic based off my observation, may not but accurate but I’m sure it wasn’t far off) had a car to drive when they got there license. My sophomore year because I lived in vallejo I had to go to a couple of the schools for a short period of time. I went to Jesse Bethel high school, and Vallejo High School, where fights and talking shit were a everyday of life. Everyday that I attended a school in vallejo, we had at LEAST one fight a day, I know this because I would run to them with my friends to watch, just like almost everyone else. Only to be broken up by the police officer stationed on campus moments later, we would scatter like flipping the lights on cockroaches. 

To be honest I really didn’t think much about while I was going to school, I was at that time embracing life with both arms wide open. I did me everyday and didn’t really trip off much and I was happy. I didn’t realize that BHS didn’t have fights, by comparison.  They did have fights but they really didn’t happen all that often. What all of it showed me was what I had, it showed me that I was fortunate that my parents could provide the life that they did for me. It made me feel like shit, if i was so fortunate then why have I not done anything with my life. Im not sure if this is just all an elaborate case of self sabotages. Thinking about it now thats all it was, I was running from the action needed to be taken to live the life that I want so that I could live the life that I was familiar with.

All the actions or lack there of speak volumes about how I want nothing more then to be a child. Still living with his parents and desperately single, i was worried about writing this because it makes me feel like a lost cause, weak. What i realized that was taking theses ideas that I have played with in my mind became real, when I put them on “paper”.  I found that it took a great deal of strength to be this honest with myself. Part of the reason why I have not been advertising that i am posting on my blog again, is because this is for me. Before it was created to help and aid other, it failed because I had to save myself from my state of mind. I really don’t have the words to help or teach anyone right now. Not because I am not in the right state of mind, but because I am and I am focused on what matters most. 

The thing that matters most to me is to be happy, thats the one that I am striving for each and every day. Sometimes you have to fight for your happiness, sometimes it comes with easy, but either way I have to take action. I know the things that I need to do, I know how to get the realm of the light. I am not afraid of being afraid any longer, I find to take action despite my fears of being judged. I stopped judging myself (well I still have those initial thoughts, but i don’t let them rule me) and I started giving a shit about myself. I stopped worrying about others and what they want for me, no matter their intention. Instead I focused on what i wanted my life to look like. I took a look at everything from the way that I move about in this world and how I talk to others. I studied life and began to look at making my dreams a reality. I started some time ago working on becoming the best version of myself that I could become. Now I haven’t gotten there yet, but i see more and more of him in the mirror each day. So no matter how bad that it has been for me or others someone always had it worst. Some people use the fact that they had a tough life as motivation, instead of a road block. It acts as kindling giving life to fire that burns with in. Thats where I am at now I am focusing on building a fire that will only finds its end when I die. So heres to living for forever.