Shit…. It has been a while. I have been away from from the world for a while now. Most would think that I mean from social media and the likes. The truth is that I have been, no where, I have been in my room this whole time. I only leave when mother nature calls and to have a smoke with miss Jane and to go to work. I have been depressed, I am not even sure for how long now. The last time that I can really remember being happy was when I was still working at Best Buy. To be exact it was the first couple of years that I worked there, fresh out of high school and not a care in the world. That didn’t last long and thinking about it now, I see what it was, that thing that turned my summer days to rain.
Not long after high school and shortly after this happy time in my life that I was talking about. I lost my Grandma and my Grandpa and I didn’t know how to process this. I didn’t want to process this, I didn’t even want to go see them while they were sick. Because i didn’t want it to be real, I just wanted to run away, but I could not think of a place where the pain would not find me. The fact that i felt this way made me feel even worst and the fact that i didn’t go see them as much as I should have. All that tore me up inside and made the pain unbearable. As time passed it all became more and more bearable, the thought of them no longer had me in a puddle of tears. The pain was still there, I just got better at ignoring it, running away from it and hiding it from others. 
Only a few could tell and to be honest, my best friend was the only that noticed, at first. He would do his best but soon both of us were distracted from the world. We decide to go to Disneyland and when I say we I mean my best friend and his girlfriend. I was perfectly ok with going as the third wheel. To be honest I have been their third wheel a few times before this, but the three of us were friends before the two of them were together. To me it was more of, I am going to with two of my friends. Rather then I am going with my friend and his girlfriend, it was a blast. It was able to take my mind off the world and all of the problems that “real life” presents you. We would wake up early (totally not something any of us would normally do) get our continental breakfast and head out to the park. Arriving there before opening, we would take our time planing out the day. Starting off with space mountain and going from there (side note my record for number of rides on space mountain in a single day:15) and we wouldn’t stop till they kicked us out. After that we came back to the bay, we came home and back to the real world.
A few weeks after we got back to the real world, my best friends girlfriend, Cara was diagnosed with AL leukemia. Man was that heavy news and when I went to visit her she still had this wonderful light about her, but you could see she was sick. During this time I had started to notice that I was not happy and I started to make some changes. One of the things that that came of this was Javi’s Secret Project. I didn’t realize though, but I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. See I thought I was doing it because I wanted to help people with my story, that was not the case. Instead, I did it so that I could run away from life. I wanted to loose weight for the secret project, so that i could build an audience. So that one day i could have an audience that would want to see my films. Thats what I told myself, but soon it became about running away from life again. We lost Cara and my world was flipped upside down again I couldn’t believe all this was happening again. I used to beat myself up because all I could think about was the pain that I was feeling. I wasn’t thinking about what my best friend was going through.
As before, the more time would pass the better I would feel, except that it all never really went away. I was still sad, I had just lied to myself for so long that it I started to believe the lie. Eventually I had just stopped trying at life, I would just go from one moment to the next. I had done this dance for so long that I forgot who I was, I forgot how passionate I was, I forgot how much I loved life. This whole time I had been working on understanding that, figuring it all out and getting fatter. All that weight I had lost I just gained it all back, every bit of it and I have to start over again.
to be honest I have only recently became aware of all this, it was after I got fired from my last job. It made me take a step back and take a deeper look at myself and why was it I wasn’t doing what I know to do. I know how to lose the weight I know how to eat right I know how to work out. I just didn’t know why I couldn’t, part of me thought it was because I wasn’t over the lose of those people. Which that wasn't the case, enough time has passed and I faced those things. I started to beat myself down again because I could not figure out why, my life has not turned out the way that i wanted it to. It was because I was just sitting at this computer watching netfliix till I could not keep my eyes open any longer then back to bed. I have mole skins full off half way finished ideas, half written stories and ideas.
The time for dreaming is over, now it the time fro action. That’s what I have been doing these past few months, I have been taking action and have been rediscovering who I was, I am ready to take my life to the next chapter. I have lived long enough in the darkness and I look to find my way back to the light.
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