Lost in a thought of perfection

Lost in a thought of perfection. I find myself sitting and thinking about the future and who I want to become. He's glorious a truly great man, one who gives to others without hesitation or an expectation of a kind word in return. He is a director with a few feature films under his belt and in the middle of a TV series loved by all. He does this not for fame but an uncontrollable urge to create stories and characters with depth. That strike an emotional chord within himself and his audience. The message of his stories often makes the audience take a look at the collective morals of society. In a way that makes them question the perception of the stranger on the road. Hoping to spark a movement of brotherhood and unity not within the nation but across all borders and bodies of water. He is very healthy, he has low body fat percentage, skin pulled tightly across his firm muscles, and without an ounce of loss skin. He is well kept, and well dressed able to slip into any clothing that he can find. Above all, he is happy and needs for nothing because he walks his days with a sincere smile across his face. One that warms the soul of whoever happens to see it in person. 

This man is truly great. He is not who I am, but who I hope to become. To be honest, I have no clue who I am anymore. I used to be sure about my identity and where I fit in the world. I didn't question anything about myself, I lived free to be who I was without a care in the world. But if you wanted me to summarize myself I would be incapable of doing so. I could not admit to you in person that I am scared, sad, that I don't think much of myself, that I see myself as a failure, a bad person, and a horrible friend. I can't tell you that the only desire that I have is to find and meaningful relationship with a woman who is all that I am not. I can’t tell you that whenever I meet someone all I can think about is how great she is, and how I pathetic I am. How I tell myself that I need to change who I am to meet or a line with what she wants. I can’t tell you that I sit in my room sometimes and plan out interactions with new people that I wish to meet. That when I finally do find myself meeting a group of new people I do not have the confidence to open my mouth. I can't talk about the things that I am passionate about because I worry about the world and how it will perceive me. 

I find myself thinking about all that is wrong with me and who I wish I could be.  Instead of living a meaningful life with a smile on my face. The only time that I have felt free were the moments when I was working out. Running three times a week. Each run I push myself harder braking more and more of my goals. That was the time where I was confident with myself and my abilities. I had my pace was not adjusting for any but myself, not caring about anything other than the battle that I had with the road. Each step another victory, it was the same weather I was running outside or on a treadmill, lifting weights or focusing on cardio. I loved it, that's where I need to be. 

I have to go back to that way of life, where I was most confident. I felt like a superhero, I was stronger than I have ever been before, I was faster, I could jump higher, run longer, shit I could even fit in smaller spaces. I know how to get back to that, and knowing this gives me chills. I know if I were to take the steps to get back to that way of life I would not look back, and I would be happy. I've known this for some time and I have yet to act. Why? Is it because I am afraid of the future and its uncertainty? Yea that's exactly it, even though I talk with certainty I know that nothing is for certain. My future is not set in stone, it's constantly changing with every action that I take or do not. 

The difference between me and someone like John from Obese to Beast, Logic, Kendrick Lamar, J.cole and all my hero’s is not that they are not afraid. It's in spite of their fear of the future and its uncertainty. They still take the steps that they know are needed to make their dreams come true. I know what I need to do. I have to take the image of the man that I want to become and throw it away. Lighting the image on fire and throwing it in a metal trash bin, I have to give up on him. If I run my life trying to live up to that image I am expecting perfection, it's my own version of perfect. I have to throw this away because I am not perfect, by the definition of being human, I am imperfect. It's absurd for me to expect myself to be perfect because each time that I fail it's a reminder that I can not be that man. The one that I wish to be, I have to instead be the man that I am. 

I have to take each of my failures and use them as fuel for my desire to better myself. Taking each and every moment in life and learn from it. I am still striving for perfection but with two exceptions, one I expect failure and plan to use it as fuel for my drive when I lack the motivation to overcome my fears. Second I have to take that “perfect” image that I have of myself and forget about it. Knowing that if except my failures and myself I will surpass the limitations of my imagination. 

I am afraid of what the future might have in store for me, but I will no longer use that as an excuse to not live the life that I want. A happy life, a healthy life, Javi’s life.

Javi’s Secret Project