Hay guys,
How've you guys been, I hope that everyone has been having a good 2015 so far. My 2015 has been noting but good, but I haven't been blogging about it. Why is this, why have I been so inconsistent at blogging, and my work outs and diet? To be honest I'm not sure why and thats been the scariest part. For the most part thats what fear is, its manifested in the things that we don't know about.
Who's that shady guy in the corner, whats in that dark corner of the room anything that we are unsure of we all feel a certain amount of fear. some times its negligible, other times its crippling. It can send a rush of adrenaline to your blood system, and lock your legs where they stand when all you want to do is run. Ive been having the full spectrum towards the end of 2014.
I have such big dreams and high hopes, and the scary part is that they are all up to me to accomplish. Thats where the leg locking fear comes in, I sometimes question if I am good enough, and you know what sometimes I don't think I am and I give up. I did that all last year I would be doing good, I start to see results and then I come home and I eat unhealthy stuff. The worst part is how I beat myself up over it, I eat some more I go hard, taking down 3 sometimes 4 hamburgers and a large fry in one sitting. Then after about an hour so I'll have the munchies and start to eat again.
That eating and the guilt form that spills over the edges and starts to spill on Javi's Secret Project. Its one in the same and the whole point JSP is to show that its not easy but you can do it too. Then I start to think about the people that could be reading this or watching the video that need the inspiration and I feel as though I'm letting them down. Then if I'm not helping them then whats the point of JSP, am I wasting all my friends time that are helping me the production of this. They all have lives of their own, and dreams of their own and am I just waisting their time, the time that they could be using to live their lives or making their dreams come true.
That was the problem that I was doing this for the wrong reasons, I started JSP over a year ago now. When I started I did it because I thought it would be a good way to show case my talents and Adams talents in the world of film. I was thinking about it one night, "I want to lose weight, people love hearing stories about people changing their lives, this could be big". Thats how it started and then, we had to figure out how to make this a big deal so that it would work. Well if we built a community around JSP that would help build it into a bigger thing. Then we had to figure out how to do just that, "well lets make it about helping people, I love to help people, and people love those kinds of stories". Thats how JSP was born, with the thought of helping others, never really about me and my weight loss.
It was about all these other things, and part of me thinks that another reason why I started this was to be in the lime light. I wanted to hear people telling me that I am doing a good job, I was looking for gratification not in what I was doing but in what others thought of me. Its not a life that I want to live any more, but why was I doing this what was the root of my problem. My state of mind had me thinking about the negative and thats it, anything happened my first thoughts were always dark and negative.
That darkness was depression and I was almost certain, and I became certain of it after having a conversation with a friend (who shall remain nameless) she was able to shed light on my Demond. She did this by telling me how its manifested its self in her life, and everything that she told me was the same thing that was happening to me. She didn't know that I was going through the same thing that she once did, because I didn't share that with anyone. She lived it, and was describing it to me, how memories of the past just seem like a gray blur, as more time went by the more she made a home for herself in her own head. Never wanting to leave my thoughts for more then a minute, and thats why I cant, really listen to music anymore. I can stay with a song for noting more then a minute and then I am right back in my own head. She was going through the same exact thing that I was and she was able to describe, how I felt, how seen the world, she knew my state of mind with out me telling her about it.
That was the moment when the Light started to make its way through the darkness, things didn't seem so bad and I started to celebrate the wins, and didn't think about the bad things as much. I got back into the grind of life, I became a player in this world again, taking myself off the sidelines. I get chills even thinking about the conversation that I had with that friend, see I was waiting for the day that I woke up skinny, and this was the closet thing to it. Really I was looking for a paradigm shift in my life, that was it by changing my way of thinking I changed the way I viewed the world. Really it didn't happen over night, and nothing this important will happen over night, it took closer to 2 or 3 months for me to have this big of a change in my life.
So what was it that actually changed again it was my thought process, I was so worried about all the bad outcomes that some time i would manufacture anxiety with in myself when it wasn't needed. Having simple conversations with friends seemed like the most troubling thing that I could do. I was worried that I would just fuck up again, didn't matter what it was who I was doing it with I was worried about it all. Trust me thats no way to live life, thats how you live life with regret you regret more things and then it becomes what became with me, depression. Im still working on figuring out the true cause of it all, which will be on the youtube series Javi's Secret Project.
The way that I fixed it was I, started to think about all things that I am proud of and the things thatI have learned on my own. The weight that I lost rather then the amount that I still have to loose. The more I thought that way the better I was doing, the happier my thoughts became and the more optimistic I be came on life. Then I told my friends what was going on with me and how I was feeling then they started to help me. Not that they didn't want to help me they just didn't know what was going on because I didn't tell them. They shared some things with me, one is not to beat myself up over a bad diet day, or a missed workout, as long as I did the work the day before and I get back on that horse. That I should accept who I am, what I do and if I do something that I don't like I have to tell myself never again when it happens. Eventually I will listen and it will no longer be a thing that I have to think about. One other thing is what I like to call the Andy Dufresen state of mind,
I got this from my boy p.Black. You know in "Shawshank Redemption" where Andy dug a hole through solid concrete in a prison with the smallest of tools. Each day the man did his work, did his task seem never ending? Yes but he had to get himself out of this prison, and so do I with my weight and so much more. For example my education in film making and screenwriting, see I want the freedom of knowledge, the more I learn and the better I get. We all have things in our lives that we wish we could have overnight, and just because we cant have it over night doesn't mean we should give up on it. We should still do what we can each day, eventually we will wake up on the day that it becomes real.
