Lost in a thought of perfection

Lost in a thought of perfection. I find myself sitting and thinking about the future and who I want to become. He's glorious a truly great man, one who gives to others without hesitation or an expectation of a kind word in return. He is a director with a few feature films under his belt and in the middle of a TV series loved by all. He does this not for fame but an uncontrollable urge to create stories and characters with depth. That strike an emotional chord within himself and his audience. The message of his stories often makes the audience take a look at the collective morals of society. In a way that makes them question the perception of the stranger on the road. Hoping to spark a movement of brotherhood and unity not within the nation but across all borders and bodies of water. He is very healthy, he has low body fat percentage, skin pulled tightly across his firm muscles, and without an ounce of loss skin. He is well kept, and well dressed able to slip into any clothing that he can find. Above all, he is happy and needs for nothing because he walks his days with a sincere smile across his face. One that warms the soul of whoever happens to see it in person. 

This man is truly great. He is not who I am, but who I hope to become. To be honest, I have no clue who I am anymore. I used to be sure about my identity and where I fit in the world. I didn't question anything about myself, I lived free to be who I was without a care in the world. But if you wanted me to summarize myself I would be incapable of doing so. I could not admit to you in person that I am scared, sad, that I don't think much of myself, that I see myself as a failure, a bad person, and a horrible friend. I can't tell you that the only desire that I have is to find and meaningful relationship with a woman who is all that I am not. I can’t tell you that whenever I meet someone all I can think about is how great she is, and how I pathetic I am. How I tell myself that I need to change who I am to meet or a line with what she wants. I can’t tell you that I sit in my room sometimes and plan out interactions with new people that I wish to meet. That when I finally do find myself meeting a group of new people I do not have the confidence to open my mouth. I can't talk about the things that I am passionate about because I worry about the world and how it will perceive me. 

I find myself thinking about all that is wrong with me and who I wish I could be.  Instead of living a meaningful life with a smile on my face. The only time that I have felt free were the moments when I was working out. Running three times a week. Each run I push myself harder braking more and more of my goals. That was the time where I was confident with myself and my abilities. I had my pace was not adjusting for any but myself, not caring about anything other than the battle that I had with the road. Each step another victory, it was the same weather I was running outside or on a treadmill, lifting weights or focusing on cardio. I loved it, that's where I need to be. 

I have to go back to that way of life, where I was most confident. I felt like a superhero, I was stronger than I have ever been before, I was faster, I could jump higher, run longer, shit I could even fit in smaller spaces. I know how to get back to that, and knowing this gives me chills. I know if I were to take the steps to get back to that way of life I would not look back, and I would be happy. I've known this for some time and I have yet to act. Why? Is it because I am afraid of the future and its uncertainty? Yea that's exactly it, even though I talk with certainty I know that nothing is for certain. My future is not set in stone, it's constantly changing with every action that I take or do not. 

The difference between me and someone like John from Obese to Beast, Logic, Kendrick Lamar, J.cole and all my hero’s is not that they are not afraid. It's in spite of their fear of the future and its uncertainty. They still take the steps that they know are needed to make their dreams come true. I know what I need to do. I have to take the image of the man that I want to become and throw it away. Lighting the image on fire and throwing it in a metal trash bin, I have to give up on him. If I run my life trying to live up to that image I am expecting perfection, it's my own version of perfect. I have to throw this away because I am not perfect, by the definition of being human, I am imperfect. It's absurd for me to expect myself to be perfect because each time that I fail it's a reminder that I can not be that man. The one that I wish to be, I have to instead be the man that I am. 

I have to take each of my failures and use them as fuel for my desire to better myself. Taking each and every moment in life and learn from it. I am still striving for perfection but with two exceptions, one I expect failure and plan to use it as fuel for my drive when I lack the motivation to overcome my fears. Second I have to take that “perfect” image that I have of myself and forget about it. Knowing that if except my failures and myself I will surpass the limitations of my imagination. 

I am afraid of what the future might have in store for me, but I will no longer use that as an excuse to not live the life that I want. A happy life, a healthy life, Javi’s life.

Javi’s Secret Project 

My first 7 mile run can I do it?

Today I have to run 7 miles!! Man that just sounds crazy to me, I do know from last week’s long run I definitely need to pace myself at. I know how to run now and I’ve been doing runs in the past that I never thought I would be able to do, 7 miles still sounds crazy to me. So what do I do, how do I do this? Well it’s pretty simple, one step at a time. Sounds to simple but for me right now I've already done the training for it, so really I just HAVE to do it one step at a time.

So what are the steps before I run these 7 miles? The first one is getting your head right, you have to be at a point of wanting to do it and not needing to do. Their is a big difference between the two, we all have a list of things that we “need” to do  and never gets done. So having the need isn't enough you have to want it. For me it took me getting upset with where I let myself go. I was tiered of it, finding cloths that I like but don't fit, waking up and being aware of my body, being overly insecure (its a human trait, everyone is insecure one way or another)about myself, and the list goes on and on. Nothing could be done to address these issues that I had with myself other then me doing work and start working out. 

When I started I didn't know what I was doing other then the little bit that I had learned over the years. I took what I knew and put it to use, I wasn't worried about what I was going to do next or how long I was going to work out. The important thing is that I wanted it so bad that it didn't matter I just went out there and start doing something. Wanting it made it easier for me to push myself, made it easier to motivate myself not to quite. All of this is due to the fact that I truly want this, if I didn't want this then I would have never ran 2 miles, then 3 miles, then 5 miles, then another 5 miles, and then 4 miles. The 4 mile run was supposed to be a 6 mile run, I didn't make it because I pushed to hard in the beginning try to beat my 1st mile time and my 5k time. Thats what I learned from that, the long runs are not for breaking any other record of mine other then milage. 

After that First work out I went to the internet, looking for anything that I could find on loosing weight. Reading blogs and googling and googling, is all I did for about a week straight, then while I was cleaning my room I found the answer that I was looking for. It was in a free magazine that I got at a jambajuice years ago, It had in it a 12 week program teaching you how to run a Half Marathon. It was designed for beginners which I was and I started to fallow it kinda, I would guess-tamate what the milage was and I wasn't running as hard as I should have. All that changed when I hit up my buddy Cris explaining to him what I wanted to do and that I just needed his help as a workout buddy. Man did I pick the right guy he taught me things about running and breathing that I wouldn't have figured out on my own, and he used to be a big guy like me. So he really knows what its like to be a big guy and to loose it all and keep it off. Everyone isn’t going to have a friend like that they can run with or have been through what your going through. Thats where I come in hopefully my blog post help some of you and I turn into that friend for you. 

Attention Fellow Fluffy People!!!!!

So what do I want to do with Javi’s Secret Project, with health I want to loose the weight for me and no one else. Even though its for me that doesn't mean that I can’t do it for others, I want all those who are just as uncomfortable in their own skin as I once was to be inspired. Thats why I’m taking my story to the internet, I am doing it for you sitting there at your computer trying to find the easiest way to accomplish your goals with health and fitness. I am going to show you what to expect what you have to start doing. It’s a long journey, and not an easy one to get started, but once you get it started its impossible to stop. Its like crack (or what I would imagine crack would be like) once you get started all you want is more, it honestly feels great to get out there and run. 

So how do you get to that point in the first place, from what I have found the biggest thing is getting your head right. Once your mind is on track with your soul you are unstoppable. If you think about it what stops you every time? Its the reason why you have failed in the past, it’s your way of thinking, but all is not lost. The first things is that you have to start giving a fuck about yourself. Now I know that might be a little harsh but its needed, listen to the message and don’t let the language distract you from the meaning. This was something that was shared with me by my buddy Cris, he told me this and it got me thinking. I went through my head looking at what I do day in and day out which wasn't shit, because I didn't give a shit. About you, me or anything non of it really mattered all because I wasn't happy with what I had become. You have to be honest with yourself when you look in the mirror. Start to see the parts of your body that you didn't want to look at, because you are ashamed of it, then except it. Except that that is not you, this is the biggest part of it all, this is when the brain starts to think a little differently and things don't seem so hopeless. 

This was the turning point for me, it was when I said enough is enough Im not going to let me kill myself, I am no longer going to rob myself from the life that I want to live. I think the negative thoughts the depression and everything else that was going on was important it was necessary to get me to the next step. It almost made me  angry when I first started thinking about what I've allowed myself to become. Thats whats needed, that anger to fuels you in the direction you need to go. Its what I use when I want to quite while running “ no you can’t slow down, you've been slowing down your whole life now is the time to push”  I would say

that to myself when I felt tired or like I reached my limits. Once you've found that drive then you can move on to the next thing.

 For me the biggest help was all of my friends the ones that run with me the ones that notice the difference between Javi right now and Javi 3 weeks ago. All of them helped me with what I am embarking on, thats what every one needs. You can do this on your own, but Psychologically speaking we tend to do better when we are apart of a group or team. Its in our nature to want to be apart of a group to be excepted, and getting people involved in your weight loss is like adding to your team. They become apart of your wolf pack, even if all they can do is cheer you on form the side lines  it still helps. Guess what, the internet is great for this you can find a group of like minded people of any sorts. So if you don't have any friends in “real life” then go to the internet and build a healthy relationship with someone. 

You all can start the journey today, don’t put it off till tomorrow, tomorrow is not good enough and it never comes. Plus the first step is easy, find the biggest mirror in the house and then stand in front of it naked. Take a look at yourself every inch pretend like its the first time you have ever seen your own body, for some of you (like myself) this will be the first time that you are aware of your body. Take a look at what you see be conscious of your insecurities, and what you are unhappy with. Then look into your eyes trying to peer deep into your own soul, then tell “yourself I love me for me, for who I am, I am a good person. The clothes I wear and the skin i live in are not the building blocks of who I am. I am much more then the the superficial, and the exterior.” You have to know what it means when you say this, it means that the soul is what makes the person and not the skin or the clothing that they wear. You do this and you will start giving a fuck about yourself and you will be unstoppable. 

Together we can change the world, this is Javi’s Secret Project. 

A special thanks to all my friends

Vallejo Water Front, love running at sunset  

Before I started on this journey of becoming healthy, I was a mess and couldn’t do anything that I wanted, I wanted to do so much, but one day I decided that enough was enough and began to workout. Then I began to train for the half marathon, the half marathon is the one thing that will helped me the most. It takes care of so many things that I had problems with. I was self-conscious about my body and the stamina that I had not being able to run for more then 20 or 30 feet before I would get winded. Self confidence is the most important thing to have to be successful. More important then raw talent or a hunger for bigger and better things, it helps to have raw talent and to be hungry but it doesn't  guarantee anything. You can have either of those talent or hunger but if your not confident enough to take the first step then you will never start.

Theres Cris's helping me on a run

For a while there I didn't have confidence, I had this work out plan showing how to train for a half marathon for over two years. I wanted to do the training but I wasn't confident that one I could do it, and two I didn't want to look like this fat guy that couldn't do shit. The fat guy that started running and got winded almost as soon as he started running, that was the guy I was scared of looking like. Well I was that guy I had to realize that and except who I was and who I became, once I became ok with the skin that I was in I reached out to a friend.

I have a friend named Cris who once was a fellow fat guy, he was the friend that I reached out to. I knew that of any of my friends he was the one that could help me out the most, he lived through what I’m living through after all. I still didn't have the self confidence to run on my own, but I did have enough confidence to start working out in my backyard. This is what I did for a while taking what Cris thought me at Evolution Training Center(if your interested in a cardio class or learning a thing or two about Muay Thai hit these guys up here tell them Javi sent you) and doing the same thing in the backyard. I would do at least 12 rounds, I was loosing weight and and my cardio was getting better and better. As it stood I couldn't even keep up with the warmups at the gym and I knew that the work out could be so much better if I had better cardio. Not to mention I wanted to RUN!! I have never ran more then 20 feet, I didn't know what it felt like just to let your body go on the run. Just relaxing and taking each step at a pace above walking feeling the wind brush against my face the whole time that I ran. I wanted to experience that and come to find out for heavy set people like my self running is the best way to cut the fat. I hit Cris up again this time instead of asking him to show me a thing or two about Muay Thai I asked him to help me train for this half marathon. 

Great Group of people thanks for welcoming me to the family 

In the journeys that we take we no longer need to be alone, we all should have friends either in the physical world or the virtual world that are there and have our backs. This world is to big and we are way to connected for someone not to have a friend or a support group, you just have to look. Cris and Jon were not the only ones that have helped me get to the 20lbs weight loss and the major jump in my cardio. Adam and Nancy have been in my corner just as much as Cris and Jon have been. To be honest I don't think that I could have done this with out them, and all of my other friends at work, on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I know that I was the one that did the work, trust me I felt the pain that wasn't shared. All of my friends noticing my weight loss, I could see in their faces that they were happy for me. That me making myself better made them feel as good as it made me feel. 

This is why I am confident enough to write (never been the best writer, had always been a path with more resistance then I wanted) to go to the waterfront in vallejo and run on my own. Each every single one of my friends are a testament of my confidence, they helped build my confidence into a towering skyscraper. Like any good skyscraper once its built it no longer needs the contractor, it stands on its own, designed to take earthquakes and any other “bumps in the road”. 

Thanks to all My friends 

- Javi

Finding Success in Failure

I failed and I didn't fail, weird right? So I showered I cleaned the bathroom my room havent done the hard drive yet but the night is still young. The only thing that is left is the 6 miles well thats what I failed at, I didn't make it. Yea it kind of sucks was the first time that I set out to do the training and wasn't able to continue. So what happen? Well it was me being lazy, really I just got side tracked with the task at hand cleaning and what not. I didn't prepare my body for what I was going to do, plus I pushed myself really hard on that run. 

What I did Wrong:

• Drank 3 cups of coffee and 12 oz of water all day 
• Ran for speed not distance 
• Didn't listen to my body 

That first one is a big one, and I’m not talking about the coffee (it didn't help but not the bigger pic.) the amount of water that I drank was not enough water for someone who isn't running. Let alone someone who is going to attempt to do their first 10k EVER. From what Ive read you want clean lean sources of energy and your daily fruit and veggies but really the main thing is that water. As all of you know its what we are mostly made of and THEE must get (other then air) thing for us to live, its just as important when your running being hydrated. 

I did run way to fast I ran so fast that I broke my record for my fastest mile with in the first mile and my fastest 5k. On their both of those things are great, and I love that I did it but because I didn't complete the 10k they were for not. Still I beating previous times is a great thing and im not going to dwell to much on not completing the 10k because I did accomplish something. From the get I felt that this race was at a faster pace then I had set for myself in the past. I started loosing my breath a bit sooner then I wanted which was the first sign that I wasn't going to complete the 10k. If I would have slowed down then i would have made it, maybe. Well see I ran the first 3.11 miles none stop didn't do the 1 min walking or anything like that. That for sure didn't help me out and their I go not listening. 

Now normally in the past, this would be the point where I give up the part where it got to hard. See I ran so hard and I was so dehydrated that about 1/4 of the way through the 4th mile (never stopped running mind you) my mouth began to water. I started to get butterflies in my stomach then I felt my body lung in the I gotta barf lung and gagged. This lasted for maybe 15 seconds, after I got it under control (5 min rest) I began to run again still trying to complete the goal. After about 5 steps my mouth started to water again and my buddy lunged and I gave up. I walked the last 3/4 of the 4th mile, I did have to make it back to my car after all. Now lets take a look at the good things that I did today.

What I did Right:

• Fastest mile 
• Fastest 5k 
• Longest Ive Ran non stop
• Found my Limits 
• Completing everything else 

Just because I didn't complete my goal doesn't mean I wasn't successful, I have to remember that, WE HAVE TO. I know for myself that when you are down on your self you tend not to look at the brighter side. The side where you did something right, giving it your all and holding nothing back is a lot of hard work. For that reason alone most people will never push themselves to that level, to the end of the rope. Others Its because they are scared and don’t know what to do once the run out of rope. so just remember to not sweat the small stuff and remember the big things like wins, and water. 

Living with fear

Im sitting here at the island in my kitchen, the day after my first 5k run. I have ran the 3.11 miles in the past but never non stop. This time was different, I was wasn't running with a partner and I ran 2.86 miles and walked .25 miles. Never really thought that I would be able to run half a mile let alone 3. It feels good to prove myself wrong mentally and physically all though I am a little sore (just means I actually improved). I have always been my worst critic the one that has talked myself out of so many things. Its weird how we self sabotage sometimes, we want something new in our lives but for some reason when that new thing starts turning into a habit we do something to derail our train. I don't know the reason for everyone else's self sabotage, but mine is because I'm scared of failure. Im not alone in this fear, everyone has it we just handle it differently, some of us are able to use this as a muse and never look back. Other such as myself sees the task at hand and the amount of work and effort that has to go into and that scares use. What happens if I give it my all, I put in all this blood, sweat and tears and nothing comes of it?   The ironic thing is I want nothing more then for my wildest Dreams to come true, but my fear of failing prevents me form making them come true. I tell myself that Im not afraid to fail, that I actually welcome it, for a story with failure init can make some of the best stories out there. I may lie to myself about not being afraid, saying it out loud to friends and to myself or even in my head over and over again. It doesn't change anything lying to myself that is, I think the first thing is to become realistic with myself. Admitting that fear does lives with me everyday, it is a survival instinct after all its meant to put me on my toes. Making me ready to fight or to take flight, in this moment I should harness the fear like a super hero does his power and use it to rescue me from my mediocre life. It works!! Ive used this fear to motivate me forward in the direction that I want to take. The first thing was working out on a regular basses starting the journey of a healthy life. I was afraid of attempting to lose weight again, because if I fail at this it means my life. That fear turned into jet fuel for my rockets, its propelled me to run, then to run even faster, and to push when I say I have no more. I used to hate the days after a good work out, those days were some of the sorest days I have ever had. Now, for one I don't get any where as sore as I used to get and if I'm not sore enough then I know that I need to push even harder next time. I love the pain the next day because it really isn't the type  pain that distracts you it just simply there to remind you that you had a successful day yesterday.