Lost in a thought of perfection

Lost in a thought of perfection. I find myself sitting and thinking about the future and who I want to become. He's glorious a truly great man, one who gives to others without hesitation or an expectation of a kind word in return. He is a director with a few feature films under his belt and in the middle of a TV series loved by all. He does this not for fame but an uncontrollable urge to create stories and characters with depth. That strike an emotional chord within himself and his audience. The message of his stories often makes the audience take a look at the collective morals of society. In a way that makes them question the perception of the stranger on the road. Hoping to spark a movement of brotherhood and unity not within the nation but across all borders and bodies of water. He is very healthy, he has low body fat percentage, skin pulled tightly across his firm muscles, and without an ounce of loss skin. He is well kept, and well dressed able to slip into any clothing that he can find. Above all, he is happy and needs for nothing because he walks his days with a sincere smile across his face. One that warms the soul of whoever happens to see it in person. 

This man is truly great. He is not who I am, but who I hope to become. To be honest, I have no clue who I am anymore. I used to be sure about my identity and where I fit in the world. I didn't question anything about myself, I lived free to be who I was without a care in the world. But if you wanted me to summarize myself I would be incapable of doing so. I could not admit to you in person that I am scared, sad, that I don't think much of myself, that I see myself as a failure, a bad person, and a horrible friend. I can't tell you that the only desire that I have is to find and meaningful relationship with a woman who is all that I am not. I can’t tell you that whenever I meet someone all I can think about is how great she is, and how I pathetic I am. How I tell myself that I need to change who I am to meet or a line with what she wants. I can’t tell you that I sit in my room sometimes and plan out interactions with new people that I wish to meet. That when I finally do find myself meeting a group of new people I do not have the confidence to open my mouth. I can't talk about the things that I am passionate about because I worry about the world and how it will perceive me. 

I find myself thinking about all that is wrong with me and who I wish I could be.  Instead of living a meaningful life with a smile on my face. The only time that I have felt free were the moments when I was working out. Running three times a week. Each run I push myself harder braking more and more of my goals. That was the time where I was confident with myself and my abilities. I had my pace was not adjusting for any but myself, not caring about anything other than the battle that I had with the road. Each step another victory, it was the same weather I was running outside or on a treadmill, lifting weights or focusing on cardio. I loved it, that's where I need to be. 

I have to go back to that way of life, where I was most confident. I felt like a superhero, I was stronger than I have ever been before, I was faster, I could jump higher, run longer, shit I could even fit in smaller spaces. I know how to get back to that, and knowing this gives me chills. I know if I were to take the steps to get back to that way of life I would not look back, and I would be happy. I've known this for some time and I have yet to act. Why? Is it because I am afraid of the future and its uncertainty? Yea that's exactly it, even though I talk with certainty I know that nothing is for certain. My future is not set in stone, it's constantly changing with every action that I take or do not. 

The difference between me and someone like John from Obese to Beast, Logic, Kendrick Lamar, J.cole and all my hero’s is not that they are not afraid. It's in spite of their fear of the future and its uncertainty. They still take the steps that they know are needed to make their dreams come true. I know what I need to do. I have to take the image of the man that I want to become and throw it away. Lighting the image on fire and throwing it in a metal trash bin, I have to give up on him. If I run my life trying to live up to that image I am expecting perfection, it's my own version of perfect. I have to throw this away because I am not perfect, by the definition of being human, I am imperfect. It's absurd for me to expect myself to be perfect because each time that I fail it's a reminder that I can not be that man. The one that I wish to be, I have to instead be the man that I am. 

I have to take each of my failures and use them as fuel for my desire to better myself. Taking each and every moment in life and learn from it. I am still striving for perfection but with two exceptions, one I expect failure and plan to use it as fuel for my drive when I lack the motivation to overcome my fears. Second I have to take that “perfect” image that I have of myself and forget about it. Knowing that if except my failures and myself I will surpass the limitations of my imagination. 

I am afraid of what the future might have in store for me, but I will no longer use that as an excuse to not live the life that I want. A happy life, a healthy life, Javi’s life.

Javi’s Secret Project 

Color Run by Color Vibe

Today is December 12th and the day before my first timed 5k run!! Kinda of nervous and scarred, to be honest I haven’t ran in 2 weeks and Im hoping that I wont kill myself to bad tomorrow. I know why I haven’t ran, its because I’ve been stressed over some things, and yes that is an excuse and those are not expectable. Thats not whats important, whats important is that I keep my head up, and instead of “running” from the stress I need to find a better way. 

So for those of you who don't know already I’ll be running a 5k color run at marine world (discovery kingdom) with the Color Vibe. The weather report says that the rain should stop around 7 am  which is when check in time is, so IF the weather report is correct then we should be good. I got an email from Color Vibe saying that the event is rain or shine, and Im totally ok with that. I set my mind to it and I am going to do it the rain wont hurt me just make me a bit heavier and make the run a bit harder but I got this. 

For those of you that are going to run with me or anyone that is interested in running I have some tips for you that helped me get better.

• Breathe; This is the most important thing, you want to maintain a nice steady breath.
• When you are breathing in pretend like your smelling flowers, nice steady full breath 
• When exhaling pretend that you have a birth cake in front of you an you are blowing out the candles. Never exhaling so hard you spit and making sure you get all the air out of your lungs 
• If you are breathing really heavy, where it almost seems like you can’t get enough air in your lungs then slow it down, 
• Running for distance: don’t push to hard till the end, after all the goal is to make it to the end not having the fast first mile.
• Make sure that you are at a pace that you can maintain for the whole run
• If you don’t know what that pace is (like I did when I first started running) then start at a decent pace and do a run/walk plan 
• Run for 3min and walk for 1
• during the walk if you are out of breathe then put your hand on your head and take two really deep breaths try not to exhale right away, then go to a regular breathing pattern 

Those are the biggest things when it come to running that helped me the most, granted the proper running form and technique are a great help. The breathing and pace are the building blocks needed to get into enough shape so that you can focus on run technique and form later. 

Scariest Day of my Life

You'll never guess what happened to me today, this morning I had the worst headache that I have ever had. It was defiantly a Migraine, I know that it was a migraine, for one the amount of pain that I was in, two it made my vision blurry and any bright light or sound was like someone jamming an icepick into my temple. The last thing that told me that this was a migraine was the fact that i was throwing up and dry heaving all over the place. It was by far the worst thing that I have experienced to date, the only thing that seemed to make it feel better was sleep, because while in sleep you don't register the pain in the conscious mind.

It all started last night when I first started getting a headache, I had decided that I didn't want take anything because it really wasn't that bad. That was the big mistake the next thing I know I am waking up at 7 in the morning and my head is pounding. I feel pain at the base of my head where it meets my neck and I feel it in my temples. The pain in my neck felt like someone was hitting my with their fist over and over again, each time it throbbed with pain was a strike. The worst part was my temples, imagine someone taking their thumbs and pushing as hard as they can on each temple. Luckily when I was throwing up it was early in the morning and all I had in my stomach was water (side note if i had a choice of one thing to throw up it would be water the best of the worst) and for some reason the rush of blood to my head made the pain go away temporarily. That stopped a few minutes after I started dry heaving and the pain was even worse.

At this point the two alive that I had taken already went down the toilet, but i didn’t want to attempt to put anything else in my stomach. So I took an ice pad out of the freezer and rested my head on it so that the ice was touching the base of my head where it meets my neck. Really all you can do in this situation is to ice your head while laying down in a quite dark room until the pain goes away. Sleep is the best, yea you may wake up and its only a little bit better but you didn't have to sit in that pain for the three hours it took for the pain to drop. Thats what happened to me i woke up at like 7 am  with the margarine and fell asleep around 8 am, and woke up at 11 my head still pounding. this time my vision wasn't blurry and it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it was. I was able to take some alive and keep it down, it is now 3 pm and I no longer feel any headache of any sort. 

That whole thing was insane, to even think about gives me a slight chill. The scariest thing was after words, when I tested my blood sugar. My father thought that it would be a good idea because the blurry vision is a diabetic symptom. It was scary because I am a heavy set Mexican with a family history of diabetes. I have all of the pre coursers for it, I didn't want to have this and for that reason alone I almost didn't take the test. I took the test and my blood sugar reading came out to be 129, which is pre diabetic, talk about scary. 

Its up to me now to fix that, I have already started on this road of having a normal good sugar reading, The only thing is for some reason I haven't really thrown myself into the weight loss way of life. I don't really eat the right stuff or at the right times I don't drink enough water during the day and i don't work out as much as I should. I have no clue why this is. its seems as though  I have alway been that type of person. I will throw my self into a project or an idea, but I never really jump in and slowly move further and further away from what I started. I started to do this with my weight loss, I haven't ran in a week!! Not a single mile I told my friends it was because I wanted to spend time with my family instead of running. Which is a BULL SHIT excuse I could go run for the 30-40 minutes that it takes me and still have the rest of the day to be with my family. 

No more!! Will I fall victim to my own self sabotages i can not listen to my head when it comes to this. Part of the reason why I wanted to tape and talk about my weight loss on the internet was so that I could be held accountable for what I am trying to do. I was afraid that my desire to be healthy was not enough and come to find out its not. It takes action, I have to keep my head up an acknowledge the good that I have done, and keep it moving forward. 

I do know that I excel in a structured based system, but this is life and it doesn't have structure that I excel in. Life is more fluid like the ocean, as a whole constantly changing with the coming tide. Even though life may always be changing that doesn't mean we cant build our own structure in it, to better ourselves. This is exactly what I am going to do, I am going to build my own system taking the knowledge that I have and adapting it to fit my likes the best. This is going to go past when, where, who, and how im going to work out, its going to be about how i want to live the next couple of years of my life. So the next couple of post are going to be all about adding structure to my life. 

Super Hero training

Yesterday I was worried about what I had to do, I was more or less scared that I wasn't going to be bale to do my work out. It was raining so I had to go to my gym and run, instead of the water front in vallejo like I usually do. It had been way to long since Ive been to the gym, and let me tell you how awesome this place is. It has a swimming pool, hot tube, sauna,basketball court, and all the other stock gym machines and weights. It has everything that I could want or need, and now that I have lost the weight and doing things have become that much easier I cant wait to play on all the things that they have. I am most excited about basketball I feel like I have a fighting chance now that I’m smaller and have better cardio. I don't know how to explain it, I feel like my eyes are open to a whole new realm of possibilities.

Loosing weight is like training to become a super hero, you can run faster jump higher you become stronger. You start to build confidence to do anything things that you worried about in the past is no longer a concern. I would worry about so much all of it was weather or not I was being judged. I would worry about being judged at the gym “look at this fat guy, cant even run a mile under 14 min”, “he doesn’t know what he’s doing, look at him how could he know. Doesn’t look like he works out” is what I used to imagine people were saying in the back of there heads. I no longer do this, I think it was because I was unsure about what I should do. When I went to the gym in the past I never went with a sense of purpose when I was there. I would just move from one random machine to the next, never really working on cardio. Being at the gym yesterday non of that happened I had a sense o
f purpose at the gym. I was training to be a super hero.

A couple of things were different this time, one i had a mission and the only reason why i was there was to run. Two I knew what I was doing, I was going to run/walk 7 miles at what pace and  an idea of how long it would take. Three I made that gym my gym, no one else was there. The first two are about having the knowledge which is key to anything. We as a species fear the unknown, not knowing is the reason for negative thoughts and/or action by a human being. I didn't know what I was doing in the past and thats why negative thoughts, became afraid and was thinking about negative things. When I was at the gym this time I was afraid, but this time it was weather or not I could do the 7 miles. I knew how to do it, but I didn't know if I could, and the only way I was going to find out was to do it one step at a time. Being at the gym with out a trainer of any sort your not going to obtain the knowledge that you need. At that stage my time would have been better spent on research and not at the gym. 

I felt like batman, a man who once feared and who now uses fear as a tool in his utility belt. No longer afraid of what I used to be concurring that allowed me to become “Batman” just like it did for Bruce Wayne. If you think about it Batman is nothing more at the minimum a well trained human being. Other then him not being real and not having his money, why cant any of us the other human beings become Batman? Why cant we be well trained human beings? Any reason that you come up with is B.S. and I do mean any reason. I know of people in wheel chairs training for the olympics they are training to be Batman. So when are you going to start your super hero training?

P.S. Which super hero would you be if you had a choice of any hero dc or marvel? Ironically I would be the Green Lantern, with a full charge on his ring a lantern would stomp all over Batman. With out the ring (not a lantern) Batman would destroy him. Leave a comment below!!

Javi's Secret Project

So some of you may have noticed me using this #javissecretproject, and my blogg title “Javi’s Secret Project” and you don’t know what it is. Well Its about me loosing weight, most of you are probably thinking thats not a big surprise. Its more then just me loosing the weight, its about me taking my life by the horns doing things that can’t be done by others. In other words its what I need to do today to have a better tomorrow. My goals today are to loose weight and doing anything that I can with film, thats what I want to do for the rest of my life, to tell stories and to be healthy. Those are my secret projects they are things that only I can do, no one can make me the next big thing in film, I have to do the work I have to create, to reach that point. Obviously the weight loss has to be done by me no one can lose the weight for me, they can lose weight while I lose weight but they cant run in my place. 

I have one more secret, I am going to take my two passions one new one (running/ healthy lifestyle), and two the old one (film/story telling) and combine them together into a film project. With the help of some like minded friends we are building our own production company and this is going to be our first film project. The goal of this project is to build a community of people doing the things that they are passionate about despite what life throws at them. This community is going to show the world that we being humans are capable of doing anything no matter how hard the path we can do it. This is how I hope to change the world for the better by opening peoples eyes to the possibilities of what this world has to offer and holding nothing back. 

In this project I am going to try and show that I am by no means perfect or even close to it. I am simply a human being and by definition I am imperfect, like all of you. One thing that I can guarantee for everyone out there no matter the Secret Project, all of us will fail. It’s okay to fail, thats something most people loose sight of. Failure can bring us so many good things such as, learning about faults that we weren't aware of prior, a new sense of purpose or drive, and it takes away the fear of failing. I want to be as open as possible I want all of you to see me fail, I want you to see me get back up and fight even harder. 

Together we can change the world, this is Javi’s Secret Project. 

P.S. Tell me about your “Secret Project” in the comments below. What is it, how do you hope to accomplish it?

Finding Success in Failure

I failed and I didn't fail, weird right? So I showered I cleaned the bathroom my room havent done the hard drive yet but the night is still young. The only thing that is left is the 6 miles well thats what I failed at, I didn't make it. Yea it kind of sucks was the first time that I set out to do the training and wasn't able to continue. So what happen? Well it was me being lazy, really I just got side tracked with the task at hand cleaning and what not. I didn't prepare my body for what I was going to do, plus I pushed myself really hard on that run. 

What I did Wrong:

• Drank 3 cups of coffee and 12 oz of water all day 
• Ran for speed not distance 
• Didn't listen to my body 

That first one is a big one, and I’m not talking about the coffee (it didn't help but not the bigger pic.) the amount of water that I drank was not enough water for someone who isn't running. Let alone someone who is going to attempt to do their first 10k EVER. From what Ive read you want clean lean sources of energy and your daily fruit and veggies but really the main thing is that water. As all of you know its what we are mostly made of and THEE must get (other then air) thing for us to live, its just as important when your running being hydrated. 

I did run way to fast I ran so fast that I broke my record for my fastest mile with in the first mile and my fastest 5k. On their both of those things are great, and I love that I did it but because I didn't complete the 10k they were for not. Still I beating previous times is a great thing and im not going to dwell to much on not completing the 10k because I did accomplish something. From the get I felt that this race was at a faster pace then I had set for myself in the past. I started loosing my breath a bit sooner then I wanted which was the first sign that I wasn't going to complete the 10k. If I would have slowed down then i would have made it, maybe. Well see I ran the first 3.11 miles none stop didn't do the 1 min walking or anything like that. That for sure didn't help me out and their I go not listening. 

Now normally in the past, this would be the point where I give up the part where it got to hard. See I ran so hard and I was so dehydrated that about 1/4 of the way through the 4th mile (never stopped running mind you) my mouth began to water. I started to get butterflies in my stomach then I felt my body lung in the I gotta barf lung and gagged. This lasted for maybe 15 seconds, after I got it under control (5 min rest) I began to run again still trying to complete the goal. After about 5 steps my mouth started to water again and my buddy lunged and I gave up. I walked the last 3/4 of the 4th mile, I did have to make it back to my car after all. Now lets take a look at the good things that I did today.

What I did Right:

• Fastest mile 
• Fastest 5k 
• Longest Ive Ran non stop
• Found my Limits 
• Completing everything else 

Just because I didn't complete my goal doesn't mean I wasn't successful, I have to remember that, WE HAVE TO. I know for myself that when you are down on your self you tend not to look at the brighter side. The side where you did something right, giving it your all and holding nothing back is a lot of hard work. For that reason alone most people will never push themselves to that level, to the end of the rope. Others Its because they are scared and don’t know what to do once the run out of rope. so just remember to not sweat the small stuff and remember the big things like wins, and water. 

Living with fear

Im sitting here at the island in my kitchen, the day after my first 5k run. I have ran the 3.11 miles in the past but never non stop. This time was different, I was wasn't running with a partner and I ran 2.86 miles and walked .25 miles. Never really thought that I would be able to run half a mile let alone 3. It feels good to prove myself wrong mentally and physically all though I am a little sore (just means I actually improved). I have always been my worst critic the one that has talked myself out of so many things. Its weird how we self sabotage sometimes, we want something new in our lives but for some reason when that new thing starts turning into a habit we do something to derail our train. I don't know the reason for everyone else's self sabotage, but mine is because I'm scared of failure. Im not alone in this fear, everyone has it we just handle it differently, some of us are able to use this as a muse and never look back. Other such as myself sees the task at hand and the amount of work and effort that has to go into and that scares use. What happens if I give it my all, I put in all this blood, sweat and tears and nothing comes of it?   The ironic thing is I want nothing more then for my wildest Dreams to come true, but my fear of failing prevents me form making them come true. I tell myself that Im not afraid to fail, that I actually welcome it, for a story with failure init can make some of the best stories out there. I may lie to myself about not being afraid, saying it out loud to friends and to myself or even in my head over and over again. It doesn't change anything lying to myself that is, I think the first thing is to become realistic with myself. Admitting that fear does lives with me everyday, it is a survival instinct after all its meant to put me on my toes. Making me ready to fight or to take flight, in this moment I should harness the fear like a super hero does his power and use it to rescue me from my mediocre life. It works!! Ive used this fear to motivate me forward in the direction that I want to take. The first thing was working out on a regular basses starting the journey of a healthy life. I was afraid of attempting to lose weight again, because if I fail at this it means my life. That fear turned into jet fuel for my rockets, its propelled me to run, then to run even faster, and to push when I say I have no more. I used to hate the days after a good work out, those days were some of the sorest days I have ever had. Now, for one I don't get any where as sore as I used to get and if I'm not sore enough then I know that I need to push even harder next time. I love the pain the next day because it really isn't the type  pain that distracts you it just simply there to remind you that you had a successful day yesterday.          

The Mental Struggle

Hello everyone, my name is Javier Villagomez and I’m fluffy and tiered of it. Today is the first day, not to train or to start to lose the weight but the first day that I openly speak my mind about it. I have already started to loose some weight and as of yesterday I am at 289.1lbs which is down from 309lbs. So I have had some success (with training for half marathon), but like most fluffy people the number on the scale is not the only thing that needs to get fixed. The mind is just as important, it has to get fixed just as bad as that number on the scale. With out the right state of mind you are doomed to fail at anything in life, the brain our most powerful and versatile muscle. This is where I am going to exercise that muscle, days that I want to say something I will get on here and do just that. I want to dedicate this first blog to my good friend Jon Boo, of all my friends the one that was the most relentless about me starting this very blog. 

Javi