Lost in a thought of perfection

Lost in a thought of perfection. I find myself sitting and thinking about the future and who I want to become. He's glorious a truly great man, one who gives to others without hesitation or an expectation of a kind word in return. He is a director with a few feature films under his belt and in the middle of a TV series loved by all. He does this not for fame but an uncontrollable urge to create stories and characters with depth. That strike an emotional chord within himself and his audience. The message of his stories often makes the audience take a look at the collective morals of society. In a way that makes them question the perception of the stranger on the road. Hoping to spark a movement of brotherhood and unity not within the nation but across all borders and bodies of water. He is very healthy, he has low body fat percentage, skin pulled tightly across his firm muscles, and without an ounce of loss skin. He is well kept, and well dressed able to slip into any clothing that he can find. Above all, he is happy and needs for nothing because he walks his days with a sincere smile across his face. One that warms the soul of whoever happens to see it in person. 

This man is truly great. He is not who I am, but who I hope to become. To be honest, I have no clue who I am anymore. I used to be sure about my identity and where I fit in the world. I didn't question anything about myself, I lived free to be who I was without a care in the world. But if you wanted me to summarize myself I would be incapable of doing so. I could not admit to you in person that I am scared, sad, that I don't think much of myself, that I see myself as a failure, a bad person, and a horrible friend. I can't tell you that the only desire that I have is to find and meaningful relationship with a woman who is all that I am not. I can’t tell you that whenever I meet someone all I can think about is how great she is, and how I pathetic I am. How I tell myself that I need to change who I am to meet or a line with what she wants. I can’t tell you that I sit in my room sometimes and plan out interactions with new people that I wish to meet. That when I finally do find myself meeting a group of new people I do not have the confidence to open my mouth. I can't talk about the things that I am passionate about because I worry about the world and how it will perceive me. 

I find myself thinking about all that is wrong with me and who I wish I could be.  Instead of living a meaningful life with a smile on my face. The only time that I have felt free were the moments when I was working out. Running three times a week. Each run I push myself harder braking more and more of my goals. That was the time where I was confident with myself and my abilities. I had my pace was not adjusting for any but myself, not caring about anything other than the battle that I had with the road. Each step another victory, it was the same weather I was running outside or on a treadmill, lifting weights or focusing on cardio. I loved it, that's where I need to be. 

I have to go back to that way of life, where I was most confident. I felt like a superhero, I was stronger than I have ever been before, I was faster, I could jump higher, run longer, shit I could even fit in smaller spaces. I know how to get back to that, and knowing this gives me chills. I know if I were to take the steps to get back to that way of life I would not look back, and I would be happy. I've known this for some time and I have yet to act. Why? Is it because I am afraid of the future and its uncertainty? Yea that's exactly it, even though I talk with certainty I know that nothing is for certain. My future is not set in stone, it's constantly changing with every action that I take or do not. 

The difference between me and someone like John from Obese to Beast, Logic, Kendrick Lamar, J.cole and all my hero’s is not that they are not afraid. It's in spite of their fear of the future and its uncertainty. They still take the steps that they know are needed to make their dreams come true. I know what I need to do. I have to take the image of the man that I want to become and throw it away. Lighting the image on fire and throwing it in a metal trash bin, I have to give up on him. If I run my life trying to live up to that image I am expecting perfection, it's my own version of perfect. I have to throw this away because I am not perfect, by the definition of being human, I am imperfect. It's absurd for me to expect myself to be perfect because each time that I fail it's a reminder that I can not be that man. The one that I wish to be, I have to instead be the man that I am. 

I have to take each of my failures and use them as fuel for my desire to better myself. Taking each and every moment in life and learn from it. I am still striving for perfection but with two exceptions, one I expect failure and plan to use it as fuel for my drive when I lack the motivation to overcome my fears. Second I have to take that “perfect” image that I have of myself and forget about it. Knowing that if except my failures and myself I will surpass the limitations of my imagination. 

I am afraid of what the future might have in store for me, but I will no longer use that as an excuse to not live the life that I want. A happy life, a healthy life, Javi’s life.

Javi’s Secret Project 

Haven't Been this Happy in to Long

The last couple of days have felt a bit weird to me, and I don't know why. I have been happy, and a lot happier then I have in a while.  I am not sure why I was unhappy to begin with, and now I am not sure why I am happy now but it feels great. Being unhappy for a long period of time is scary, makes you just want to give it up on it all, now I am not saying that I was suicidal or anything like that. I was content with laying in bed all day and night, I was taking myself farther and farther away from all those around me. Now I feel invincible I can do it all, and nothing is out of my reach. I think I know what it is that makes me so happy, maybe its my friends, family, and weight loss.

Like I said I was sad for a while, its been years since I have been truly happy. The last time that I could remember being happy would have to have been in high school. High school was back in 2008 that was 6 years ago, not sure what started this but as time went on it got worse. I was a ghost for six years of my life just existing, I was just simply there and thats it.  Most of you would be surprised that was the case if not all of you, I put up this facade trying to pretend to be happy and for a while there it worked. I never wanted to go out and hang out with friends, I was never comfortable enough with myself to go out in the world. See I have never really accomplished anything of my own, I would ride on the coat tails of those closest to me.

How am I supposed to go out into the real world and survive when, I couldn't accomplished anything on my own. I have never said that out load or thought it but its how I felt, it was most apparent with the ladies. I was so insecure with myself that I couldn't see why any woman would want to be with me. " I don't even like me why should she" I would talk myself out of hanging out with the woman that I was talking to and make something up so that I wouldn't have to hang out with them. See then I didn't know that I was sad, I did know that something was wrong and that I needed to change that. I thought that it was just because I was lonely, but being lonely was a side affect of my sadness.

I had to fix my sadness before I could look at anything else, this is where Javi's Secret Project (JSP) came in and brought me back from the darkness. Like I said I have never really accomplished anything on my own, I was always sacred of failure and ridiculed for my failure. I thought that JSP would be that thing that I could accomplish on my own (ironically the first thing I did was bring in my best friend in on the idea) . First it was a business plan that i wanted to sell to nike, focusing on selling the idea of nike for over weight (or fellow fluffs) people rather then just athletes (still think this is a brilliant idea, consider it a free be nike). Well other then having a good idea how was I supposed to get my foot in the door with Nike, first thought was to build a fallowing on youtube which would Hopefully get Nikes attention. We had to figure out how was I supposed to get a good fallowing, we decided the best way to do so was to build a community on youtube. This was the evolution of JSP, then Adam asked me why not keep it for myself why sell this to some one. These were really good questions, I do like helping people and inspiring them. It honestly makes me feel good to help someones outlook on life for the better. Now JSP is mine with no intention of selling it, its about me getting healthy and hopefully in the process helping others to make their lives better in someway, to be Happy.

So it began, I first started working out in my backyard, I had a gym membership but I was to afraid of being "that fat guy" at the gym. The backyard workout consisted of shadow boxing for 12  three minute rounds with a one minute break in between each round. Oh and this is about 6 or so months after I "started" JSP, with the help of Adam we had created the 1st episode and that was about it. I did the shadow boxing for a while not really on a super constant bases but I was moving and loosing weight. That didn't feel right like I wasn't doing enough, I didnt have to push myself enough doing that. So I looked to running, I had this Magazine from Jamba juice teaching an inexperienced runner how to train for a half marathon. This was a crazy idea to me, and probably why it was so intriguing to me and so it began.

That was the best thing for me, running allowed to to accomplish something each time I ran. My first accomplishment was that first run/walk, it was 2 miles and I had to destroy myself at least thats what it felt like. It was 3min running fallowed by 1 min walk and repeated till i hit the 2 mile mark. Holy shit that was tough after that first 3 min run I was doubting if I could do the whole 2 miles, but I said fuck it i just have to finish. I couldn't have done it with out my run partner, Cris kept pushing me making sure I kept breathing and I kept moving forward. I'm sure that I would have given up on the run if he wasn't there to push me, but still I had to do it I could have easily said fuck it I'm done but I didn't that wasn't an option. 

This project involves so many people other then myself and together we have accomplished so much. All of the people  that ran with me, recorded the color run, liked any one of my JSP related post on social networking sites, or bought tamales every single one of I owe you so much and I am so grateful for your support. Thanks for being yourselves and thank you for helping me accomplish things that I have never thought I would be able to.  

Writing this blog entire has made me reflect on this past year, and I now know why I am happy. I accomplished many great things, I have helped inspired friends to make their lives better, I lost 71 lbs, and I have friends and family that love me. I cant help but be happy, my future is still just as uncertain today as it was a week ago. The only thing  thats different is that I am no longer scared of facing my future I am no longer alone. 

Scariest Day of my Life

You'll never guess what happened to me today, this morning I had the worst headache that I have ever had. It was defiantly a Migraine, I know that it was a migraine, for one the amount of pain that I was in, two it made my vision blurry and any bright light or sound was like someone jamming an icepick into my temple. The last thing that told me that this was a migraine was the fact that i was throwing up and dry heaving all over the place. It was by far the worst thing that I have experienced to date, the only thing that seemed to make it feel better was sleep, because while in sleep you don't register the pain in the conscious mind.

It all started last night when I first started getting a headache, I had decided that I didn't want take anything because it really wasn't that bad. That was the big mistake the next thing I know I am waking up at 7 in the morning and my head is pounding. I feel pain at the base of my head where it meets my neck and I feel it in my temples. The pain in my neck felt like someone was hitting my with their fist over and over again, each time it throbbed with pain was a strike. The worst part was my temples, imagine someone taking their thumbs and pushing as hard as they can on each temple. Luckily when I was throwing up it was early in the morning and all I had in my stomach was water (side note if i had a choice of one thing to throw up it would be water the best of the worst) and for some reason the rush of blood to my head made the pain go away temporarily. That stopped a few minutes after I started dry heaving and the pain was even worse.

At this point the two alive that I had taken already went down the toilet, but i didn’t want to attempt to put anything else in my stomach. So I took an ice pad out of the freezer and rested my head on it so that the ice was touching the base of my head where it meets my neck. Really all you can do in this situation is to ice your head while laying down in a quite dark room until the pain goes away. Sleep is the best, yea you may wake up and its only a little bit better but you didn't have to sit in that pain for the three hours it took for the pain to drop. Thats what happened to me i woke up at like 7 am  with the margarine and fell asleep around 8 am, and woke up at 11 my head still pounding. this time my vision wasn't blurry and it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it was. I was able to take some alive and keep it down, it is now 3 pm and I no longer feel any headache of any sort. 

That whole thing was insane, to even think about gives me a slight chill. The scariest thing was after words, when I tested my blood sugar. My father thought that it would be a good idea because the blurry vision is a diabetic symptom. It was scary because I am a heavy set Mexican with a family history of diabetes. I have all of the pre coursers for it, I didn't want to have this and for that reason alone I almost didn't take the test. I took the test and my blood sugar reading came out to be 129, which is pre diabetic, talk about scary. 

Its up to me now to fix that, I have already started on this road of having a normal good sugar reading, The only thing is for some reason I haven't really thrown myself into the weight loss way of life. I don't really eat the right stuff or at the right times I don't drink enough water during the day and i don't work out as much as I should. I have no clue why this is. its seems as though  I have alway been that type of person. I will throw my self into a project or an idea, but I never really jump in and slowly move further and further away from what I started. I started to do this with my weight loss, I haven't ran in a week!! Not a single mile I told my friends it was because I wanted to spend time with my family instead of running. Which is a BULL SHIT excuse I could go run for the 30-40 minutes that it takes me and still have the rest of the day to be with my family. 

No more!! Will I fall victim to my own self sabotages i can not listen to my head when it comes to this. Part of the reason why I wanted to tape and talk about my weight loss on the internet was so that I could be held accountable for what I am trying to do. I was afraid that my desire to be healthy was not enough and come to find out its not. It takes action, I have to keep my head up an acknowledge the good that I have done, and keep it moving forward. 

I do know that I excel in a structured based system, but this is life and it doesn't have structure that I excel in. Life is more fluid like the ocean, as a whole constantly changing with the coming tide. Even though life may always be changing that doesn't mean we cant build our own structure in it, to better ourselves. This is exactly what I am going to do, I am going to build my own system taking the knowledge that I have and adapting it to fit my likes the best. This is going to go past when, where, who, and how im going to work out, its going to be about how i want to live the next couple of years of my life. So the next couple of post are going to be all about adding structure to my life. 

Attention Fellow Fluffy People!!!!!

So what do I want to do with Javi’s Secret Project, with health I want to loose the weight for me and no one else. Even though its for me that doesn't mean that I can’t do it for others, I want all those who are just as uncomfortable in their own skin as I once was to be inspired. Thats why I’m taking my story to the internet, I am doing it for you sitting there at your computer trying to find the easiest way to accomplish your goals with health and fitness. I am going to show you what to expect what you have to start doing. It’s a long journey, and not an easy one to get started, but once you get it started its impossible to stop. Its like crack (or what I would imagine crack would be like) once you get started all you want is more, it honestly feels great to get out there and run. 

So how do you get to that point in the first place, from what I have found the biggest thing is getting your head right. Once your mind is on track with your soul you are unstoppable. If you think about it what stops you every time? Its the reason why you have failed in the past, it’s your way of thinking, but all is not lost. The first things is that you have to start giving a fuck about yourself. Now I know that might be a little harsh but its needed, listen to the message and don’t let the language distract you from the meaning. This was something that was shared with me by my buddy Cris, he told me this and it got me thinking. I went through my head looking at what I do day in and day out which wasn't shit, because I didn't give a shit. About you, me or anything non of it really mattered all because I wasn't happy with what I had become. You have to be honest with yourself when you look in the mirror. Start to see the parts of your body that you didn't want to look at, because you are ashamed of it, then except it. Except that that is not you, this is the biggest part of it all, this is when the brain starts to think a little differently and things don't seem so hopeless. 

This was the turning point for me, it was when I said enough is enough Im not going to let me kill myself, I am no longer going to rob myself from the life that I want to live. I think the negative thoughts the depression and everything else that was going on was important it was necessary to get me to the next step. It almost made me  angry when I first started thinking about what I've allowed myself to become. Thats whats needed, that anger to fuels you in the direction you need to go. Its what I use when I want to quite while running “ no you can’t slow down, you've been slowing down your whole life now is the time to push”  I would say

that to myself when I felt tired or like I reached my limits. Once you've found that drive then you can move on to the next thing.

 For me the biggest help was all of my friends the ones that run with me the ones that notice the difference between Javi right now and Javi 3 weeks ago. All of them helped me with what I am embarking on, thats what every one needs. You can do this on your own, but Psychologically speaking we tend to do better when we are apart of a group or team. Its in our nature to want to be apart of a group to be excepted, and getting people involved in your weight loss is like adding to your team. They become apart of your wolf pack, even if all they can do is cheer you on form the side lines  it still helps. Guess what, the internet is great for this you can find a group of like minded people of any sorts. So if you don't have any friends in “real life” then go to the internet and build a healthy relationship with someone. 

You all can start the journey today, don’t put it off till tomorrow, tomorrow is not good enough and it never comes. Plus the first step is easy, find the biggest mirror in the house and then stand in front of it naked. Take a look at yourself every inch pretend like its the first time you have ever seen your own body, for some of you (like myself) this will be the first time that you are aware of your body. Take a look at what you see be conscious of your insecurities, and what you are unhappy with. Then look into your eyes trying to peer deep into your own soul, then tell “yourself I love me for me, for who I am, I am a good person. The clothes I wear and the skin i live in are not the building blocks of who I am. I am much more then the the superficial, and the exterior.” You have to know what it means when you say this, it means that the soul is what makes the person and not the skin or the clothing that they wear. You do this and you will start giving a fuck about yourself and you will be unstoppable. 

Together we can change the world, this is Javi’s Secret Project. 

WORK OUT LIKE A GIANT WITH MICHAEL STRAHAN

Full body workout, looking at doing some lifting once I hit the plato trying to think ahead. I also Found a while ago a full body workout that the rock was doing for pain and gain. Let me know if you're interested, and I'll find it and post it for you guys.

Get bigger, faster, and stronger by following, set-by-set, with former New York Giant Michael Strahan.

BY  MF EDITORS 

Peter Yang

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Strahan trains five days a week with a whole-body circuit that incorporates vertical and horizontal push and pull movements, a mix of hip- and knee- dominant exercises, rotational movements, and core work. “My philosophy is making sure our workouts are functional, so that Michael doesn’t throw out his back picking up a grocery bag,” says Latreal Mitchell, Strahan’s trainer. “We train in all planes of motion and keep it challenging.” Here’s a typical week:

MONDAY

JUMP SQUAT	4 sets x 5 reps
SINGLE-LEG SQUAT	4 sets x 10 reps
DEADLIFT	4 sets x 10 reps
BENCH PRESS	4 sets x 10 reps
DUMBBELL ROW	4 sets x 10 reps
PUSH PRESS	4 sets x 10 reps
ONE-ARM LAT PULLDOWN	4 sets x 10 reps
HIGH-to-LOW WOODCHOP	4 sets x 10 reps
PLANK WALKUP	45-60 seconds

Checkout the full workout and original post here