Haven't Been this Happy in to Long

The last couple of days have felt a bit weird to me, and I don't know why. I have been happy, and a lot happier then I have in a while.  I am not sure why I was unhappy to begin with, and now I am not sure why I am happy now but it feels great. Being unhappy for a long period of time is scary, makes you just want to give it up on it all, now I am not saying that I was suicidal or anything like that. I was content with laying in bed all day and night, I was taking myself farther and farther away from all those around me. Now I feel invincible I can do it all, and nothing is out of my reach. I think I know what it is that makes me so happy, maybe its my friends, family, and weight loss.

Like I said I was sad for a while, its been years since I have been truly happy. The last time that I could remember being happy would have to have been in high school. High school was back in 2008 that was 6 years ago, not sure what started this but as time went on it got worse. I was a ghost for six years of my life just existing, I was just simply there and thats it.  Most of you would be surprised that was the case if not all of you, I put up this facade trying to pretend to be happy and for a while there it worked. I never wanted to go out and hang out with friends, I was never comfortable enough with myself to go out in the world. See I have never really accomplished anything of my own, I would ride on the coat tails of those closest to me.

How am I supposed to go out into the real world and survive when, I couldn't accomplished anything on my own. I have never said that out load or thought it but its how I felt, it was most apparent with the ladies. I was so insecure with myself that I couldn't see why any woman would want to be with me. " I don't even like me why should she" I would talk myself out of hanging out with the woman that I was talking to and make something up so that I wouldn't have to hang out with them. See then I didn't know that I was sad, I did know that something was wrong and that I needed to change that. I thought that it was just because I was lonely, but being lonely was a side affect of my sadness.

I had to fix my sadness before I could look at anything else, this is where Javi's Secret Project (JSP) came in and brought me back from the darkness. Like I said I have never really accomplished anything on my own, I was always sacred of failure and ridiculed for my failure. I thought that JSP would be that thing that I could accomplish on my own (ironically the first thing I did was bring in my best friend in on the idea) . First it was a business plan that i wanted to sell to nike, focusing on selling the idea of nike for over weight (or fellow fluffs) people rather then just athletes (still think this is a brilliant idea, consider it a free be nike). Well other then having a good idea how was I supposed to get my foot in the door with Nike, first thought was to build a fallowing on youtube which would Hopefully get Nikes attention. We had to figure out how was I supposed to get a good fallowing, we decided the best way to do so was to build a community on youtube. This was the evolution of JSP, then Adam asked me why not keep it for myself why sell this to some one. These were really good questions, I do like helping people and inspiring them. It honestly makes me feel good to help someones outlook on life for the better. Now JSP is mine with no intention of selling it, its about me getting healthy and hopefully in the process helping others to make their lives better in someway, to be Happy.

So it began, I first started working out in my backyard, I had a gym membership but I was to afraid of being "that fat guy" at the gym. The backyard workout consisted of shadow boxing for 12  three minute rounds with a one minute break in between each round. Oh and this is about 6 or so months after I "started" JSP, with the help of Adam we had created the 1st episode and that was about it. I did the shadow boxing for a while not really on a super constant bases but I was moving and loosing weight. That didn't feel right like I wasn't doing enough, I didnt have to push myself enough doing that. So I looked to running, I had this Magazine from Jamba juice teaching an inexperienced runner how to train for a half marathon. This was a crazy idea to me, and probably why it was so intriguing to me and so it began.

That was the best thing for me, running allowed to to accomplish something each time I ran. My first accomplishment was that first run/walk, it was 2 miles and I had to destroy myself at least thats what it felt like. It was 3min running fallowed by 1 min walk and repeated till i hit the 2 mile mark. Holy shit that was tough after that first 3 min run I was doubting if I could do the whole 2 miles, but I said fuck it i just have to finish. I couldn't have done it with out my run partner, Cris kept pushing me making sure I kept breathing and I kept moving forward. I'm sure that I would have given up on the run if he wasn't there to push me, but still I had to do it I could have easily said fuck it I'm done but I didn't that wasn't an option. 

This project involves so many people other then myself and together we have accomplished so much. All of the people  that ran with me, recorded the color run, liked any one of my JSP related post on social networking sites, or bought tamales every single one of I owe you so much and I am so grateful for your support. Thanks for being yourselves and thank you for helping me accomplish things that I have never thought I would be able to.  

Writing this blog entire has made me reflect on this past year, and I now know why I am happy. I accomplished many great things, I have helped inspired friends to make their lives better, I lost 71 lbs, and I have friends and family that love me. I cant help but be happy, my future is still just as uncertain today as it was a week ago. The only thing  thats different is that I am no longer scared of facing my future I am no longer alone. 

Super Hero training

Yesterday I was worried about what I had to do, I was more or less scared that I wasn't going to be bale to do my work out. It was raining so I had to go to my gym and run, instead of the water front in vallejo like I usually do. It had been way to long since Ive been to the gym, and let me tell you how awesome this place is. It has a swimming pool, hot tube, sauna,basketball court, and all the other stock gym machines and weights. It has everything that I could want or need, and now that I have lost the weight and doing things have become that much easier I cant wait to play on all the things that they have. I am most excited about basketball I feel like I have a fighting chance now that I’m smaller and have better cardio. I don't know how to explain it, I feel like my eyes are open to a whole new realm of possibilities.

Loosing weight is like training to become a super hero, you can run faster jump higher you become stronger. You start to build confidence to do anything things that you worried about in the past is no longer a concern. I would worry about so much all of it was weather or not I was being judged. I would worry about being judged at the gym “look at this fat guy, cant even run a mile under 14 min”, “he doesn’t know what he’s doing, look at him how could he know. Doesn’t look like he works out” is what I used to imagine people were saying in the back of there heads. I no longer do this, I think it was because I was unsure about what I should do. When I went to the gym in the past I never went with a sense of purpose when I was there. I would just move from one random machine to the next, never really working on cardio. Being at the gym yesterday non of that happened I had a sense o
f purpose at the gym. I was training to be a super hero.

A couple of things were different this time, one i had a mission and the only reason why i was there was to run. Two I knew what I was doing, I was going to run/walk 7 miles at what pace and  an idea of how long it would take. Three I made that gym my gym, no one else was there. The first two are about having the knowledge which is key to anything. We as a species fear the unknown, not knowing is the reason for negative thoughts and/or action by a human being. I didn't know what I was doing in the past and thats why negative thoughts, became afraid and was thinking about negative things. When I was at the gym this time I was afraid, but this time it was weather or not I could do the 7 miles. I knew how to do it, but I didn't know if I could, and the only way I was going to find out was to do it one step at a time. Being at the gym with out a trainer of any sort your not going to obtain the knowledge that you need. At that stage my time would have been better spent on research and not at the gym. 

I felt like batman, a man who once feared and who now uses fear as a tool in his utility belt. No longer afraid of what I used to be concurring that allowed me to become “Batman” just like it did for Bruce Wayne. If you think about it Batman is nothing more at the minimum a well trained human being. Other then him not being real and not having his money, why cant any of us the other human beings become Batman? Why cant we be well trained human beings? Any reason that you come up with is B.S. and I do mean any reason. I know of people in wheel chairs training for the olympics they are training to be Batman. So when are you going to start your super hero training?

P.S. Which super hero would you be if you had a choice of any hero dc or marvel? Ironically I would be the Green Lantern, with a full charge on his ring a lantern would stomp all over Batman. With out the ring (not a lantern) Batman would destroy him. Leave a comment below!!