A State of Mind

All is not as bad as it sounds, I haven’t really been doing nothing. I forget that sometimes, I forget how much I have written. I forget how much I have grown, because of my state of mind. By that I mean all I see is the negative, because all my mind thinks about is feeling bad for myself. I am fully aware of this and I have grown with that, at first I thought all I needed to do was to accept it. I thought my life would magically fix itself, because I have accepted the facts of life. That we all experience hardship, lose of loved ones, we all experience fear, sadness, anger, the full spectrum color wheel of emotions. I accepted it and realized that I wasn’t all that different, but that was only half of what I needed to learn. 

It took me a while to realize what I was missing and to be honest, I feel kinda of dumb for not seeing it sooner. Action, I have to be my own motivation, I have to be the one that holds myself accountable. I used to walk through life hoping that someone would just take care of all this shit for me. By shit i mean life and all the shitty things that we have to do as adults. It used to anger me to have to do my taxes, I would through a tantrum. I was still a child in my minds eye, I didn’t see my self as an adult, thats the truth. I think part of that is just in my nature, I’m a lot like my father, we are both a couple of big kids. The real reason why I still see myself that way is because I have had a good life. 

Don’t get me wrong we ain’t rollin in the cheddar, but we live comfortably. I know that I have a good life because of where I am from. I have seen both sides of the spectrum while going to school. In middle school I went to Salano Middle school, in north vallejo I seen the kids that didn’t have shit. That came to school in clothes way to small, they would look and smell like they have not taken a shower in weeks. In high school, I went to Benicia High School where 90% of students (I made up that statistic based off my observation, may not but accurate but I’m sure it wasn’t far off) had a car to drive when they got there license. My sophomore year because I lived in vallejo I had to go to a couple of the schools for a short period of time. I went to Jesse Bethel high school, and Vallejo High School, where fights and talking shit were a everyday of life. Everyday that I attended a school in vallejo, we had at LEAST one fight a day, I know this because I would run to them with my friends to watch, just like almost everyone else. Only to be broken up by the police officer stationed on campus moments later, we would scatter like flipping the lights on cockroaches. 

To be honest I really didn’t think much about while I was going to school, I was at that time embracing life with both arms wide open. I did me everyday and didn’t really trip off much and I was happy. I didn’t realize that BHS didn’t have fights, by comparison.  They did have fights but they really didn’t happen all that often. What all of it showed me was what I had, it showed me that I was fortunate that my parents could provide the life that they did for me. It made me feel like shit, if i was so fortunate then why have I not done anything with my life. Im not sure if this is just all an elaborate case of self sabotages. Thinking about it now thats all it was, I was running from the action needed to be taken to live the life that I want so that I could live the life that I was familiar with.

All the actions or lack there of speak volumes about how I want nothing more then to be a child. Still living with his parents and desperately single, i was worried about writing this because it makes me feel like a lost cause, weak. What i realized that was taking theses ideas that I have played with in my mind became real, when I put them on “paper”.  I found that it took a great deal of strength to be this honest with myself. Part of the reason why I have not been advertising that i am posting on my blog again, is because this is for me. Before it was created to help and aid other, it failed because I had to save myself from my state of mind. I really don’t have the words to help or teach anyone right now. Not because I am not in the right state of mind, but because I am and I am focused on what matters most. 

The thing that matters most to me is to be happy, thats the one that I am striving for each and every day. Sometimes you have to fight for your happiness, sometimes it comes with easy, but either way I have to take action. I know the things that I need to do, I know how to get the realm of the light. I am not afraid of being afraid any longer, I find to take action despite my fears of being judged. I stopped judging myself (well I still have those initial thoughts, but i don’t let them rule me) and I started giving a shit about myself. I stopped worrying about others and what they want for me, no matter their intention. Instead I focused on what i wanted my life to look like. I took a look at everything from the way that I move about in this world and how I talk to others. I studied life and began to look at making my dreams a reality. I started some time ago working on becoming the best version of myself that I could become. Now I haven’t gotten there yet, but i see more and more of him in the mirror each day. So no matter how bad that it has been for me or others someone always had it worst. Some people use the fact that they had a tough life as motivation, instead of a road block. It acts as kindling giving life to fire that burns with in. Thats where I am at now I am focusing on building a fire that will only finds its end when I die. So heres to living for forever. 

My return letter

Shit…. It has been a while. I have been away from from the world for a while now. Most would think that I mean from social media and the likes. The truth is that I have been, no where, I have been in my room this whole time. I only leave when mother nature calls and to have a smoke with miss Jane and to go to work. I have been depressed, I am not even sure for how long now. The last time that I can really remember being happy was when I was still working at Best Buy. To be exact it was the first couple of years that I worked there, fresh out of high school and not a care in the world. That didn’t last long and thinking about it now, I see what it was, that thing that turned my summer days to rain. 

Not long after high school and shortly after this happy time in my life that I was talking about. I lost my Grandma and my Grandpa and I didn’t know how to process this. I didn’t want to process this, I didn’t even want to go see them while they were sick. Because i didn’t want it to be real, I just wanted to run away, but I could not think of a place where the pain would not find me. The fact that i felt this way made me feel even worst and the fact that i didn’t go see them as much as I should have. All that tore me up inside and made the pain unbearable. As time passed it all became more and more bearable, the thought of them no longer had me in a puddle of tears. The pain was still there, I just got better at ignoring it, running away from it and hiding it from others. 

Only a few could tell and to be honest, my best friend was the only that noticed, at first. He would do his best but soon both of us were distracted from the world. We decide to go to Disneyland and when I say we I mean my best friend and his girlfriend. I was perfectly ok with going as the third wheel. To be honest I have been their third wheel a few times before this, but the three of us were friends before the two of them were together. To me it was more of, I am going to with two of my friends. Rather then I am going with my friend and his girlfriend, it was a blast. It was able to take my mind off the world and all of the problems that “real life” presents you. We would wake up early (totally not something any of us would normally do) get our continental breakfast and head out to the park. Arriving there before opening, we would take our time planing out the day. Starting off with space mountain and going from there (side note my record for number of rides on space mountain in a single day:15) and we wouldn’t stop till they kicked us out. After that we came back to the bay, we came home and back to the real world. 

A few weeks after we got back to the real world, my best friends girlfriend, Cara was diagnosed with AL leukemia. Man was that heavy news and when I went to visit her she still had this wonderful light about her, but you could see she was sick. During this time I had started to notice that I was not happy and I started to make some changes. One of the things that that came of this was Javi’s Secret Project. I didn’t realize though, but I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. See I thought I was doing it because I wanted to help people with my story, that was not the case. Instead, I did it so that I could run away from life. I wanted to loose weight for the secret project, so that i could build an audience. So that one day i could have an audience that would want to see my films. Thats what I told myself, but soon it became about running away from life again. We lost Cara and my world was flipped upside down again I couldn’t believe all this was happening again. I used to beat myself up because all I could think about was the pain that I was feeling. I wasn’t thinking about what my best friend was going through. 

As before, the more time would pass the better I would feel, except that it all never really went away. I was still sad, I had just lied to myself for so long that it I started to believe the lie. Eventually I had just stopped trying at life, I would just go from one moment to the next. I had done this dance for so long that I forgot who I was, I forgot how passionate I was, I forgot how much I loved life. This whole time I had been working on understanding that, figuring it all out and getting fatter. All that weight I had lost I just gained it all back, every bit of it and I have to start over again. 

to be honest I have only recently became aware of all this, it was after I got fired from my last job. It made me take a step back and take a deeper look at myself and why was it I wasn’t doing what I know to do. I know how to lose the weight I know how to eat right I know how to work out. I just didn’t know why I couldn’t, part of me thought it was because I wasn’t over the lose of those people. Which that wasn't the case, enough time has passed and I faced those things. I started to beat myself down again because I could not figure out why, my life has not turned out the way that i wanted it to. It was because I was just sitting at this computer watching netfliix till I could not keep my eyes open any longer then back to bed. I have mole skins full off half way finished ideas, half written stories and ideas. 

The time for dreaming is over, now it the time fro action. That’s what I have been doing these past few months, I have been taking action and have been rediscovering who I was, I am ready to take my life to the next chapter. I have lived long enough in the darkness and I look to find my way back to the light. 

Lost in a thought of perfection

Lost in a thought of perfection. I find myself sitting and thinking about the future and who I want to become. He's glorious a truly great man, one who gives to others without hesitation or an expectation of a kind word in return. He is a director with a few feature films under his belt and in the middle of a TV series loved by all. He does this not for fame but an uncontrollable urge to create stories and characters with depth. That strike an emotional chord within himself and his audience. The message of his stories often makes the audience take a look at the collective morals of society. In a way that makes them question the perception of the stranger on the road. Hoping to spark a movement of brotherhood and unity not within the nation but across all borders and bodies of water. He is very healthy, he has low body fat percentage, skin pulled tightly across his firm muscles, and without an ounce of loss skin. He is well kept, and well dressed able to slip into any clothing that he can find. Above all, he is happy and needs for nothing because he walks his days with a sincere smile across his face. One that warms the soul of whoever happens to see it in person. 

This man is truly great. He is not who I am, but who I hope to become. To be honest, I have no clue who I am anymore. I used to be sure about my identity and where I fit in the world. I didn't question anything about myself, I lived free to be who I was without a care in the world. But if you wanted me to summarize myself I would be incapable of doing so. I could not admit to you in person that I am scared, sad, that I don't think much of myself, that I see myself as a failure, a bad person, and a horrible friend. I can't tell you that the only desire that I have is to find and meaningful relationship with a woman who is all that I am not. I can’t tell you that whenever I meet someone all I can think about is how great she is, and how I pathetic I am. How I tell myself that I need to change who I am to meet or a line with what she wants. I can’t tell you that I sit in my room sometimes and plan out interactions with new people that I wish to meet. That when I finally do find myself meeting a group of new people I do not have the confidence to open my mouth. I can't talk about the things that I am passionate about because I worry about the world and how it will perceive me. 

I find myself thinking about all that is wrong with me and who I wish I could be.  Instead of living a meaningful life with a smile on my face. The only time that I have felt free were the moments when I was working out. Running three times a week. Each run I push myself harder braking more and more of my goals. That was the time where I was confident with myself and my abilities. I had my pace was not adjusting for any but myself, not caring about anything other than the battle that I had with the road. Each step another victory, it was the same weather I was running outside or on a treadmill, lifting weights or focusing on cardio. I loved it, that's where I need to be. 

I have to go back to that way of life, where I was most confident. I felt like a superhero, I was stronger than I have ever been before, I was faster, I could jump higher, run longer, shit I could even fit in smaller spaces. I know how to get back to that, and knowing this gives me chills. I know if I were to take the steps to get back to that way of life I would not look back, and I would be happy. I've known this for some time and I have yet to act. Why? Is it because I am afraid of the future and its uncertainty? Yea that's exactly it, even though I talk with certainty I know that nothing is for certain. My future is not set in stone, it's constantly changing with every action that I take or do not. 

The difference between me and someone like John from Obese to Beast, Logic, Kendrick Lamar, J.cole and all my hero’s is not that they are not afraid. It's in spite of their fear of the future and its uncertainty. They still take the steps that they know are needed to make their dreams come true. I know what I need to do. I have to take the image of the man that I want to become and throw it away. Lighting the image on fire and throwing it in a metal trash bin, I have to give up on him. If I run my life trying to live up to that image I am expecting perfection, it's my own version of perfect. I have to throw this away because I am not perfect, by the definition of being human, I am imperfect. It's absurd for me to expect myself to be perfect because each time that I fail it's a reminder that I can not be that man. The one that I wish to be, I have to instead be the man that I am. 

I have to take each of my failures and use them as fuel for my desire to better myself. Taking each and every moment in life and learn from it. I am still striving for perfection but with two exceptions, one I expect failure and plan to use it as fuel for my drive when I lack the motivation to overcome my fears. Second I have to take that “perfect” image that I have of myself and forget about it. Knowing that if except my failures and myself I will surpass the limitations of my imagination. 

I am afraid of what the future might have in store for me, but I will no longer use that as an excuse to not live the life that I want. A happy life, a healthy life, Javi’s life.

Javi’s Secret Project 

A change of direction 2.0

Photo Credit: Pablo Rivas

Photo Credit: Pablo Rivas

Hay guys so this is my second attempt at launching my first episode to JSP the Vlog, had some ID10T issues and uploaded something that I shouldn't have. So like I said I am going to be starting a Vlog one Youtube, its pretty much what I had attempted with the blog. I am changing things up because for one writing is not my forte and I really haven’t been posting as much as I should. I feel like you guys are missing out on a lot of good things that go through my head and some not so good. I want all of you guys to have a better insight to my journey and what I am doing. The reason why is because I have been reached out to by some of you guys telling me how much I have inspired you. Thats such a great thing, it makes me feel good to know that I have helped someone in some way with my story. Its great for those of you who have been inspired to take a positive steps in your life, and I hope that through the Vlog I am able to do the same for more people. Plus I like working with video and learning to edit, I find it more enjoyable then writing, not to say I don't like to write I have really started to enjoy it. To be honest I am not sure what this means for the blog, I am not going to make any promises. I do hope you guys like the change and look forward to the next video post. This one Is for the most part going to be what what I have just gone over so far here in the blog either with this post or past ones. To watch the first episode click here. 

Its not time to dream, its time for action

Photo Credit: Javier Villagomez, Glass Cactus Productions

I no longer want to live my life giving excuses out, like free samples at Costco.  I never really thought that I was one to gives excuses, but I was. I was the type of person that if something happened or something didn't happen and it was my fault the first things out of my mouth were excuses. Instead of looking at what has happened and owning up to it and doing something about it to make it ok. I was saying what ever I need to, so that I could be ok with what happened or didn't. I cant do that any more, I can't tell myself its ok to be fat, its ok to be lazy, its ok to lay in bed for another couple of hours.

Photo Credit: Javier Villagomez, Glass Cactus Productions

Excuse get me no where, they do nothing to resolve a situation, they do not mend relationships. All they are, are wasted breaths falling on deaf ears. Think about it do we ever really listen to someone when they are giving us an excuse. If we do listen, is it not so that we can in our heads say "ya ok, whatever you say bro". 

Photo Credit: Javier Villagomez, Glass Cactus Productions

I have ran out of excuses, and its about time. Its time for action, its time for results, its time for change. I used to be In love with the dream, instead of being in love with the work. The work is the thing that makes the dreams come true. Its the work that makes it gratifying to do anything in life. That idea is so simple, but its true. If all I do is dream of being a director, being healthy, dream of not being single, then none of those things will come true. Once we have the idea ( the dream) in our heads that is enough to launch us in the right direction. 

Now I know what some of you are thinking its not that easy, I want to loose weight but I cant find the time. Well if you have time to dream about it and you have time to think of an excuse why you cant do it, then your not spending your time wisely. Thats all I did was dream about who I wanted to become, how I wanted to look, the career that I wanted to have. I was never spending my time wisely always fixated on the dream and not the work. The more time that I spent on dreaming about the changes that I wanted in life the further away my dreams seemed. 

Photo Credit: Javier Villagomez, Glass Cactus Productions

these are the things that I am going to do, to make sure that the dreams come true. One I am no longer going to feel sorry for myself. Im not going to ask the heavens why or how come, even if the answers to my questions were out there I still have to do the work. Thats the second thing I am going to do, I'm going to do the work and focus on that. Not the result of the work or the dream, but instead the things that it takes to make those dreams come true. The results will fallow the work and the dreams will become real. 

So what work do I need to do? Well what are my dreams? One I want to be heathy mentally and physically. Two I want to be a creative, more prosaically I want to be a storyteller. I can be a storyteller in so many medians but my dream is to be a photographer/cinematographer, a screenwriter, a film editor, and a movie director.  Third I want to be an independent adult, that changes the world, and those around me for the better. I have so many more dreams and they are all still possible but these are the ones that give me chills, that make every hair stand one end. These are the things that I dream about more then any other. 

Photo Credit: Javier Villagomez, Glass Cactus Productions

Photo Credit: Javier Villagomez, Glass Cactus Productions

Ok, so now what? Well its finally time to talk about the actual work that needs to be done. The work that has to be done to make the dreams come true. To be physically healthier, I have to do my work outs I have to do push ups every night before bed, I have to run three or more times a week. I have to lift weights five times a week, I have to go to the gym and put in the work. I have to eat smaller portions and more often, I have to eat the things that I know I should and less of the things that I know I shouldn't. To be a storyteller in my chosen mediums, I have to be a student of life and the world around me. I have to see the photos around me, looking for visual beauty in everything. I have to listen the different stories of the day, asking what if this or this happened. Then play them out how in my head and write them down. I have to become a better writer to become a screenwriter. By writing my blogs, by writing out the stories that I have created in my head, and by reading and writing more, i will become a better . For me to become an independent adult, I have to stop relying on those around me. I can effect positive changes in others lives, by making mine better. Hoping in some way my story allows others to learn or to be inspired to change for the better. I want nothing more then for my friends wildest dreams to come true, and I can help them by being there for them. I have to be around, I have to be present in there life. The only way that i can change the world is one person at a time, if I can only change one persons life, then I have changed the world for the better. Now the most important my mental health, I need to stop hiding in my room, I have to stop feeling sorry for my self I can no longer give an excuses to myself or to my friends for the things that I need to do. I have to change my state of mind I have to happier, I can do this by celebrating the wins. Sacrifice, is the one thing that makes things more rewarding. At the same time it is the one thing that makes the worth wild things in life difficult, and seem impossible. I have to remember that someone out there has done the things that I want to do, and because they have done means that I am just as capable of doing the same things. 

Photo Credit: Javier Villagomez, Glass Cactus Productions

Photo Credit: Pablo Rivas Pablorivasphoto.com

Tomorrow is a new day, and a good day to start change. Right now, this moment is the best time to start a change. I can not wait for tomorrow, looking to the future is the same as dreaming and its not time to dream. Its time for action, this is Javi's Secret Project.  

I'm back, and this is whats been going on...

Hay guys, 

How've you guys been, I hope that everyone has been having a good 2015 so far. My 2015 has been noting but good, but I haven't been blogging about it. Why is this, why have I been so inconsistent at blogging, and my work outs and diet? To be honest I'm not sure why and thats been the scariest part. For the most part thats what fear is, its manifested in the things that we don't know about. Who's that shady guy in the corner, whats in that dark corner of the room anything that we are unsure of we all feel a certain amount of fear. some times its negligible, other times its crippling. It can send a rush of adrenaline to your blood system, and lock your legs where they stand when all you want to do is run. Ive been having the full spectrum towards the end of 2014. 

I have such big dreams and high hopes, and the scary part is that they are all up to me to accomplish. Thats where the leg locking fear comes in, I sometimes question if I am good enough, and you know what sometimes I don't think I am and I give up. I did that all last year I would be doing good, I start to see results and then I come home and I eat unhealthy stuff. The worst part is how I beat myself up over it, I eat some more I go hard, taking down 3 sometimes 4 hamburgers and a large fry in one sitting. Then after about an hour so I'll have the munchies and start to eat again.  

That eating and the guilt form that spills over the edges and starts to spill on Javi's Secret Project. Its one in the same and the whole point JSP is to show that its not easy but you can do it too. Then I start to think about the people that could be reading this or watching the video that need the inspiration and I feel as though I'm letting them down. Then if I'm not helping them then whats the point of JSP, am I wasting all my friends time that are helping me the production of this. They all have lives of their own, and dreams of their own and am I just waisting their time, the time that they could be using to live their lives or making their dreams come true. 

That was the problem that I was doing this for the wrong reasons, I started JSP over a year ago now. When I started I did it because I thought it would be a good way to show case my talents and Adams talents in the world of film. I was thinking about it one night, "I want to lose weight, people love hearing stories about people changing their lives, this could be big". Thats how it started and then, we had to figure out how to make this a big deal so that it would work. Well if we built a community around JSP that would help build it into a bigger thing. Then we had to figure out how to do just that, "well lets make it about helping people, I love to help people, and people love those kinds of stories". Thats how JSP was born, with the thought of helping others, never really about me and my weight loss. 

It was about all these other things, and part of me thinks that another reason why I started this was to be in the lime light. I wanted to hear people telling me that I am doing a good job, I was looking for gratification not in what I was doing but in what others thought of me. Its not a life that I want to live any more, but why was I doing this what was the root of my problem. My state of mind had me thinking about the negative and thats it, anything happened my first thoughts were always dark and negative.

That darkness was depression and I was almost certain, and I became certain of it after having a conversation with a friend (who shall remain nameless) she was able to shed light on my Demond. She did this by telling me how its manifested its self in her life, and everything that she told me was the same thing that was happening to me. She didn't know that I was going through the same thing that she once did, because I didn't share that with anyone. She lived it, and was describing it to me, how memories of the past just seem like a gray blur, as more time went by the more she made a home for herself in her own head. Never wanting to leave my thoughts for more then a minute, and thats why I cant, really listen to music anymore. I can stay with a song for noting more then a minute and then I am right back in my own head. She was going through the same exact thing that I was and she was able to describe, how I felt, how seen the world, she knew my state of mind with out me telling her about it. 

That was the moment when the Light started to make its way through the darkness, things didn't seem so bad and I started to celebrate the wins, and didn't think about the bad things as much. I got back into the grind of life, I became a player in this world again, taking myself off the sidelines. I get chills even thinking about the conversation that I had with that friend, see I was waiting for the day that I woke up skinny, and this was the closet thing to it. Really I was looking for a paradigm shift in my life, that was it by changing my way of thinking I changed the way I viewed the world. Really it didn't happen over night, and nothing this important will happen over night, it took closer to 2 or 3 months for me to have this big of a change in my life. 

So what was it that actually changed again it was my thought process, I was so worried about all the bad outcomes that some time i would manufacture anxiety with in myself when it wasn't needed. Having simple conversations with friends seemed like the most troubling thing that I could do. I was worried that I would just fuck up again, didn't matter what it was who I was doing it with I was worried about it all. Trust me thats no way to live life, thats how you live life with regret you regret more things and then it becomes what became with me, depression. Im still working on figuring out the true cause of it all, which will be on the youtube series Javi's Secret Project. 

The way that I fixed it was I, started to think about all things that I am proud of and the things thatI have learned on my own. The weight that I lost rather then the amount that I still have to loose. The more I thought that way the better I was doing, the happier my thoughts became and the more optimistic I be came on life. Then I told my friends what was going on with me and how I was feeling then they started to help me. Not that they didn't want to help me they just didn't know what was going on because I didn't tell them. They shared some things with me, one is not to beat myself up over a bad diet day, or a missed workout, as long as I did the work the day before and I get back on that horse. That I should accept who I am, what I do and if I do something that I don't like I have to tell myself never again when it happens. Eventually I will listen and it will no longer be a thing that I have to think about. One other thing is what I like to call the Andy Dufresen state of mind, I got this from my boy p.Black. You know in "Shawshank Redemption" where Andy dug a hole through solid concrete in a prison with the smallest of tools. Each day the man did his work, did his task seem never ending? Yes but he had to get himself out of this prison, and so do I with my weight and so much more. For example my education in film making and screenwriting, see I want the freedom of knowledge, the more I learn and the better I get. We all have things in our lives that we wish we could have overnight, and just because we cant have it over night doesn't mean we should give up on it. We should still do what we can each day, eventually we will wake up on the day that it becomes real.          

The magic of the holidays

The holidays, I used to love this time of year when I was a child. No school for two weeks and presents, did I mention presents, and for a while there as an adult I hated this time of year. I used to think it was because I worked retail, but that wasn't the case, it lost its magic for me. I think thats because I started loosing the loved ones that I would spend my holidays with, high school is when my family started loosing loved ones in a dramatic fashion. Each loss to the family took some of that magic from it, and then it seemed like one day we just kinda gave up on the holidays and celebrating. I think the most important part of this time of year is the family and the loved ones that you surround yourself with, thats the magic. 

I remember one of the christmases when I was a child we were at my auntie Linda's, and she got me the best gift ever. You guys know what its like going to relatives house for christmas even as a child you never expected much. I went to her house with the same expectation, and man was I wrong she got me the matrix on DVD. The movie had just came out and she totally blew my mind with that gift. As a boy growing up in the 90's could you think of a better present, I couldn't. Shortly after that we lost her to lung cancer and it was ugly, cancer is always ugly even if you mange to beat it that journey is not a fun one. 

As a child I thought that was such a great gift because of the gift itself, and now looking back I know that wasn't the case. It was because she new me and it showed with that gift, thats what made it magical. Growing up as a child you find that not all adults get you, and the ones that do get you are family. They talk to you they love you, and are interested in what your interested in. 

I think thats why I have been so happy the past couple of days, I have friends and family that know me and love me for me. I have fond the magic of the holidays, it sure isn't the presents, as an adult i never expect to receive any materialistic gifts. Most people complain on how materialistic the holidays have become. I used to share the same thoughts, but now i get it when any of us buy a gift for someone we expect something in return. If your not a materialistic person then that thing you expect is a smile of appreciation, you don't need to hear thank you or that I love it. Seeing the look that a child would have when getting the toy that they want, in the face of an adult, is magic. Often times its not a gift that you can buy in a store just being there and spending time with those you care about is the magic.

May your holidays be filled with magic.  

Javi's Secret Project 

Haven't Been this Happy in to Long

The last couple of days have felt a bit weird to me, and I don't know why. I have been happy, and a lot happier then I have in a while.  I am not sure why I was unhappy to begin with, and now I am not sure why I am happy now but it feels great. Being unhappy for a long period of time is scary, makes you just want to give it up on it all, now I am not saying that I was suicidal or anything like that. I was content with laying in bed all day and night, I was taking myself farther and farther away from all those around me. Now I feel invincible I can do it all, and nothing is out of my reach. I think I know what it is that makes me so happy, maybe its my friends, family, and weight loss.

Like I said I was sad for a while, its been years since I have been truly happy. The last time that I could remember being happy would have to have been in high school. High school was back in 2008 that was 6 years ago, not sure what started this but as time went on it got worse. I was a ghost for six years of my life just existing, I was just simply there and thats it.  Most of you would be surprised that was the case if not all of you, I put up this facade trying to pretend to be happy and for a while there it worked. I never wanted to go out and hang out with friends, I was never comfortable enough with myself to go out in the world. See I have never really accomplished anything of my own, I would ride on the coat tails of those closest to me.

How am I supposed to go out into the real world and survive when, I couldn't accomplished anything on my own. I have never said that out load or thought it but its how I felt, it was most apparent with the ladies. I was so insecure with myself that I couldn't see why any woman would want to be with me. " I don't even like me why should she" I would talk myself out of hanging out with the woman that I was talking to and make something up so that I wouldn't have to hang out with them. See then I didn't know that I was sad, I did know that something was wrong and that I needed to change that. I thought that it was just because I was lonely, but being lonely was a side affect of my sadness.

I had to fix my sadness before I could look at anything else, this is where Javi's Secret Project (JSP) came in and brought me back from the darkness. Like I said I have never really accomplished anything on my own, I was always sacred of failure and ridiculed for my failure. I thought that JSP would be that thing that I could accomplish on my own (ironically the first thing I did was bring in my best friend in on the idea) . First it was a business plan that i wanted to sell to nike, focusing on selling the idea of nike for over weight (or fellow fluffs) people rather then just athletes (still think this is a brilliant idea, consider it a free be nike). Well other then having a good idea how was I supposed to get my foot in the door with Nike, first thought was to build a fallowing on youtube which would Hopefully get Nikes attention. We had to figure out how was I supposed to get a good fallowing, we decided the best way to do so was to build a community on youtube. This was the evolution of JSP, then Adam asked me why not keep it for myself why sell this to some one. These were really good questions, I do like helping people and inspiring them. It honestly makes me feel good to help someones outlook on life for the better. Now JSP is mine with no intention of selling it, its about me getting healthy and hopefully in the process helping others to make their lives better in someway, to be Happy.

So it began, I first started working out in my backyard, I had a gym membership but I was to afraid of being "that fat guy" at the gym. The backyard workout consisted of shadow boxing for 12  three minute rounds with a one minute break in between each round. Oh and this is about 6 or so months after I "started" JSP, with the help of Adam we had created the 1st episode and that was about it. I did the shadow boxing for a while not really on a super constant bases but I was moving and loosing weight. That didn't feel right like I wasn't doing enough, I didnt have to push myself enough doing that. So I looked to running, I had this Magazine from Jamba juice teaching an inexperienced runner how to train for a half marathon. This was a crazy idea to me, and probably why it was so intriguing to me and so it began.

That was the best thing for me, running allowed to to accomplish something each time I ran. My first accomplishment was that first run/walk, it was 2 miles and I had to destroy myself at least thats what it felt like. It was 3min running fallowed by 1 min walk and repeated till i hit the 2 mile mark. Holy shit that was tough after that first 3 min run I was doubting if I could do the whole 2 miles, but I said fuck it i just have to finish. I couldn't have done it with out my run partner, Cris kept pushing me making sure I kept breathing and I kept moving forward. I'm sure that I would have given up on the run if he wasn't there to push me, but still I had to do it I could have easily said fuck it I'm done but I didn't that wasn't an option. 

This project involves so many people other then myself and together we have accomplished so much. All of the people  that ran with me, recorded the color run, liked any one of my JSP related post on social networking sites, or bought tamales every single one of I owe you so much and I am so grateful for your support. Thanks for being yourselves and thank you for helping me accomplish things that I have never thought I would be able to.  

Writing this blog entire has made me reflect on this past year, and I now know why I am happy. I accomplished many great things, I have helped inspired friends to make their lives better, I lost 71 lbs, and I have friends and family that love me. I cant help but be happy, my future is still just as uncertain today as it was a week ago. The only thing  thats different is that I am no longer scared of facing my future I am no longer alone. 

Tomorrow is a big day and a day that is worth celebrating, it is going to be the first my first color run and my first official 5k run. Thats exactly what I am going to do, I'm gonna have a party after the run. The party really isnt to celebrate me having completed the run because I know that I can already. Its for those those of you that read this blog, those who liked my status when talking about my weight loss and those who have left a comment of support or advice. I couldnt have done this without you guys, my support group,my friends.

If you havent heard already the party will be at my and will start at 1pm its a potluck so bring something preferably something healthy.

115 cardinal ln
vallejo ca 94589

Thank you all!

Color Run by Color Vibe

Today is December 12th and the day before my first timed 5k run!! Kinda of nervous and scarred, to be honest I haven’t ran in 2 weeks and Im hoping that I wont kill myself to bad tomorrow. I know why I haven’t ran, its because I’ve been stressed over some things, and yes that is an excuse and those are not expectable. Thats not whats important, whats important is that I keep my head up, and instead of “running” from the stress I need to find a better way. 

So for those of you who don't know already I’ll be running a 5k color run at marine world (discovery kingdom) with the Color Vibe. The weather report says that the rain should stop around 7 am  which is when check in time is, so IF the weather report is correct then we should be good. I got an email from Color Vibe saying that the event is rain or shine, and Im totally ok with that. I set my mind to it and I am going to do it the rain wont hurt me just make me a bit heavier and make the run a bit harder but I got this. 

For those of you that are going to run with me or anyone that is interested in running I have some tips for you that helped me get better.

• Breathe; This is the most important thing, you want to maintain a nice steady breath.
• When you are breathing in pretend like your smelling flowers, nice steady full breath 
• When exhaling pretend that you have a birth cake in front of you an you are blowing out the candles. Never exhaling so hard you spit and making sure you get all the air out of your lungs 
• If you are breathing really heavy, where it almost seems like you can’t get enough air in your lungs then slow it down, 
• Running for distance: don’t push to hard till the end, after all the goal is to make it to the end not having the fast first mile.
• Make sure that you are at a pace that you can maintain for the whole run
• If you don’t know what that pace is (like I did when I first started running) then start at a decent pace and do a run/walk plan 
• Run for 3min and walk for 1
• during the walk if you are out of breathe then put your hand on your head and take two really deep breaths try not to exhale right away, then go to a regular breathing pattern 

Those are the biggest things when it come to running that helped me the most, granted the proper running form and technique are a great help. The breathing and pace are the building blocks needed to get into enough shape so that you can focus on run technique and form later. 

Scariest Day of my Life

You'll never guess what happened to me today, this morning I had the worst headache that I have ever had. It was defiantly a Migraine, I know that it was a migraine, for one the amount of pain that I was in, two it made my vision blurry and any bright light or sound was like someone jamming an icepick into my temple. The last thing that told me that this was a migraine was the fact that i was throwing up and dry heaving all over the place. It was by far the worst thing that I have experienced to date, the only thing that seemed to make it feel better was sleep, because while in sleep you don't register the pain in the conscious mind.

It all started last night when I first started getting a headache, I had decided that I didn't want take anything because it really wasn't that bad. That was the big mistake the next thing I know I am waking up at 7 in the morning and my head is pounding. I feel pain at the base of my head where it meets my neck and I feel it in my temples. The pain in my neck felt like someone was hitting my with their fist over and over again, each time it throbbed with pain was a strike. The worst part was my temples, imagine someone taking their thumbs and pushing as hard as they can on each temple. Luckily when I was throwing up it was early in the morning and all I had in my stomach was water (side note if i had a choice of one thing to throw up it would be water the best of the worst) and for some reason the rush of blood to my head made the pain go away temporarily. That stopped a few minutes after I started dry heaving and the pain was even worse.

At this point the two alive that I had taken already went down the toilet, but i didn’t want to attempt to put anything else in my stomach. So I took an ice pad out of the freezer and rested my head on it so that the ice was touching the base of my head where it meets my neck. Really all you can do in this situation is to ice your head while laying down in a quite dark room until the pain goes away. Sleep is the best, yea you may wake up and its only a little bit better but you didn't have to sit in that pain for the three hours it took for the pain to drop. Thats what happened to me i woke up at like 7 am  with the margarine and fell asleep around 8 am, and woke up at 11 my head still pounding. this time my vision wasn't blurry and it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it was. I was able to take some alive and keep it down, it is now 3 pm and I no longer feel any headache of any sort. 

That whole thing was insane, to even think about gives me a slight chill. The scariest thing was after words, when I tested my blood sugar. My father thought that it would be a good idea because the blurry vision is a diabetic symptom. It was scary because I am a heavy set Mexican with a family history of diabetes. I have all of the pre coursers for it, I didn't want to have this and for that reason alone I almost didn't take the test. I took the test and my blood sugar reading came out to be 129, which is pre diabetic, talk about scary. 

Its up to me now to fix that, I have already started on this road of having a normal good sugar reading, The only thing is for some reason I haven't really thrown myself into the weight loss way of life. I don't really eat the right stuff or at the right times I don't drink enough water during the day and i don't work out as much as I should. I have no clue why this is. its seems as though  I have alway been that type of person. I will throw my self into a project or an idea, but I never really jump in and slowly move further and further away from what I started. I started to do this with my weight loss, I haven't ran in a week!! Not a single mile I told my friends it was because I wanted to spend time with my family instead of running. Which is a BULL SHIT excuse I could go run for the 30-40 minutes that it takes me and still have the rest of the day to be with my family. 

No more!! Will I fall victim to my own self sabotages i can not listen to my head when it comes to this. Part of the reason why I wanted to tape and talk about my weight loss on the internet was so that I could be held accountable for what I am trying to do. I was afraid that my desire to be healthy was not enough and come to find out its not. It takes action, I have to keep my head up an acknowledge the good that I have done, and keep it moving forward. 

I do know that I excel in a structured based system, but this is life and it doesn't have structure that I excel in. Life is more fluid like the ocean, as a whole constantly changing with the coming tide. Even though life may always be changing that doesn't mean we cant build our own structure in it, to better ourselves. This is exactly what I am going to do, I am going to build my own system taking the knowledge that I have and adapting it to fit my likes the best. This is going to go past when, where, who, and how im going to work out, its going to be about how i want to live the next couple of years of my life. So the next couple of post are going to be all about adding structure to my life. 

Super Hero training

Yesterday I was worried about what I had to do, I was more or less scared that I wasn't going to be bale to do my work out. It was raining so I had to go to my gym and run, instead of the water front in vallejo like I usually do. It had been way to long since Ive been to the gym, and let me tell you how awesome this place is. It has a swimming pool, hot tube, sauna,basketball court, and all the other stock gym machines and weights. It has everything that I could want or need, and now that I have lost the weight and doing things have become that much easier I cant wait to play on all the things that they have. I am most excited about basketball I feel like I have a fighting chance now that I’m smaller and have better cardio. I don't know how to explain it, I feel like my eyes are open to a whole new realm of possibilities.

Loosing weight is like training to become a super hero, you can run faster jump higher you become stronger. You start to build confidence to do anything things that you worried about in the past is no longer a concern. I would worry about so much all of it was weather or not I was being judged. I would worry about being judged at the gym “look at this fat guy, cant even run a mile under 14 min”, “he doesn’t know what he’s doing, look at him how could he know. Doesn’t look like he works out” is what I used to imagine people were saying in the back of there heads. I no longer do this, I think it was because I was unsure about what I should do. When I went to the gym in the past I never went with a sense of purpose when I was there. I would just move from one random machine to the next, never really working on cardio. Being at the gym yesterday non of that happened I had a sense o
f purpose at the gym. I was training to be a super hero.

A couple of things were different this time, one i had a mission and the only reason why i was there was to run. Two I knew what I was doing, I was going to run/walk 7 miles at what pace and  an idea of how long it would take. Three I made that gym my gym, no one else was there. The first two are about having the knowledge which is key to anything. We as a species fear the unknown, not knowing is the reason for negative thoughts and/or action by a human being. I didn't know what I was doing in the past and thats why negative thoughts, became afraid and was thinking about negative things. When I was at the gym this time I was afraid, but this time it was weather or not I could do the 7 miles. I knew how to do it, but I didn't know if I could, and the only way I was going to find out was to do it one step at a time. Being at the gym with out a trainer of any sort your not going to obtain the knowledge that you need. At that stage my time would have been better spent on research and not at the gym. 

I felt like batman, a man who once feared and who now uses fear as a tool in his utility belt. No longer afraid of what I used to be concurring that allowed me to become “Batman” just like it did for Bruce Wayne. If you think about it Batman is nothing more at the minimum a well trained human being. Other then him not being real and not having his money, why cant any of us the other human beings become Batman? Why cant we be well trained human beings? Any reason that you come up with is B.S. and I do mean any reason. I know of people in wheel chairs training for the olympics they are training to be Batman. So when are you going to start your super hero training?

P.S. Which super hero would you be if you had a choice of any hero dc or marvel? Ironically I would be the Green Lantern, with a full charge on his ring a lantern would stomp all over Batman. With out the ring (not a lantern) Batman would destroy him. Leave a comment below!!